If Only As a Friend

I liked Jew Boy more than I even wanted to admit to myself. He was unlike any other guy I had dated, so I was drawn to him. He gave me more than I deserved, as many times I was unable to reciprocate because I was half with him and half with The Big X. I decided after a week that I still needed him in my life, if as only a friend. I also felt there were issues that I needed to explain to him. I sent him the following email.

"Oh Hello There! I am writing to clarify issues that I am unsure came across to you in the conversation we had this week. First off, I want to thank you for being so open and honest with me. I feel there are few people that could have handled that situation as well as you did. Because of that, I feel compelled to do the same, as there are things I want to make sure have you know.

You are genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met. You have an insane ability to make people smile (including me, which is not always easy to do)! You have an admirable character that comes through in all that you do. You know who you are and people like me are able to see and respect that. You are able to deal with people and difficult situations with an ease that we all wish we had.

I want to thank you for all that you did for me. You treated me as well anyone ever has. You were able to show me things about myself that I did not know. For that I am grateful. There is one thing that I am compelled to say sorry for and that is not giving you 100 percent of me. What you saw was real and true, it was just not all I could give. There are issues within myself which enabled me not to always to there emotionally.

I now have had time to analyze the situation. The bottom line is I do want to stay friends with you. I want you to know that my hesitation to answer this question over the phone was me being selfish and trying to protect myself. The reality is there is nothing to protect myself from because you told me exactly how you feel, so there could never be any expectations coming from me. If your offer still stands.....I would like to remain friends?

I do not mind if you call, in fact I would love to hear from you anytime. Hell maybe we could even do dinner or drinks (or a concert if you are having withdrawals) as friends do.....benefits.....it is all up to you. Oh, please treasure and listen to my cds (often), as they were a gift from the heart!! (Sorry I could not make it through this without trying to make you laugh)! I hope to hear from you."

Confused

And just like that, another broken heart. I was desperately upset and even more confused. Not only confused by Jew Boy but confused by my own feelings and thoughts.

I knew that part of my pain was due to the fact that I have never fully gotten over the loss of the Big X. The situation with Jew Boy brought these feelings back, only stronger and harder this time. I had no other choice now, but to deal with both situations head on.

Over

I got the answer to all of the questions that I had been analyzing over the last months. It was over. Jew Boy was no longer. It played out by him finally calling after a few days of hibernation. I knew there was something wrong, it was in his voice. He told me that he felt terrible for the way that he had been treating me. Not calling and being distant. He acknowledged that he had never shared his feelings for me and it was time that he did.

He started, " I like you. I think you are amazing in all that you are. I love being with you, talking to you and have a great time every time we are together. You are everything that I have ever wanted. I have been in a hole the last week trying to figure out exactly how I feel about you. I have concluded that there is 'something' missing. There is a feeling that is missing for me, one that I have felt before in a previous relationship. It is not there with you. I am not all I can be when I am with you. You are not getting all of me because I am not giving it to you. It is not tangible, not explainable."

I sat in silence, part of me stunned, the other half knew it was coming. He continued, "I knew when you wanted me to meet your sister, that you were serious about me. It was then that I realized that you had not even met my parents. This is not normal for me. I am telling you all of this because you have always been open with me and I don't want to mislead you. At some point, I feel it is necessary to evaluate a relationship and decide to take it to the next level or not. This one is not there for me."

Next, he asked if we could still be friends because he didn't want to lose me from his life. I told him that I thought it would be too difficult on me because of how emotionally involved I was. He admitted that he was too, and said he didn't what to hurt me even more, so he would proceed however I wanted. I explained that the sexual attraction would be too much to overcome if we met in person. He agreed with that, but said that he wanted me to call anytime I wanted. He said, "I will always take your calls because I think of you fondly. I will miss going out with you and talking to you. I will miss you."

I sat in silence.

Downward

I was having a hard time making sense of the talk with Jew Boy. What I did know that regardless of how busy he was, he could find the time to talk to me if he wanted to. All of the babble about work related stress was bullshit. My journal reflects.

"If he wanted to be my boyfriend, he already would be. When this relationship first started, he did exactly as he wanted by seeing me every weekend. Now he is still doing exactly what he wants by backing off. I am not going to pressure him, but I am not going on on any limbs either. If I have scared him in the last week, then this is not the same for him as it is for me."

Missing Talk

I had to stop analyzing the situation with Jew Boy. I needed to drink! I went out with friends and inevitability started talking about him. In a drunken state, I sent him a text. All it said was.......;). I was in some ways being a dick, due to the winking that took place earlier in the week.

Jew Boy: "What are you doing? I am at J's.

Really, J's was in Dallas. I was also in Dallas, but he didn't bother to let me know he was near. I was furious when he called. He explained that his friends were having people over, but it was last second so he didn't have time to call. What about calling on the hour drive to Dallas, fucker? The conversation moved forward.

Me: There was no time for you to call? I don't buy it.
Jew Boy: Where are you?
Me: At a party.
Jew Boy: Well, is there a party at your house later?
Me: Ahhhh No.
Jew Boy: I thought you might have some Coors Light. (he meant pussy)
Me: Oh, there is, but it is not for you. Are you sleeping on J's couch?
Jew Boy: I was hoping to sleep with you.
Me: You can come over, but where you sleep depends on how you answer my questions. You might be sleeping in your car.
Jew Boy: It is worth risking it to see you. (he meant fuck you)

He arrived at my house not too long after our call ended. Our next words were exchanged like this.

Me: I don't know what you think, but this is not a booty call.
Jew Boy: I know that about you. I will sleep on the couch tonight.
Me: You might. Why didn't I know you were in Dallas tonight?
Jew Boy: I played golf today and had no plans for tonight. J called at eight and asked me to come over. I just went because I had nothing else to do. I wanted to just be with my friends tonight. Is that not ok with you?
Me: Of course, but I don't believe that because you wouldn't be with me right now, if you wanted to hang out with them.
Jew Boy: True.
Me: Would I have even known you were here had I not texted you?
Jew Boy: Probably not, but I would have told you the next time we talked.

Me: Why didn't you call all week?
Jew Boy: Work is so stressful right now. There is a lot going on that I don't want to burden you with. I am just busy.
Me: Well, I don't want to become a burden on your time.
Jew Boy: You are not and won't ever be. Don't say that. If you wanted to talk to me why didn't you call? Don't wonder or get mad at me, just call me.
Me: I guess I should have and I will.

Jew Boy: Not to be rude, but not everything is about you. This week was not about you. I was too busy for it to be.
Me: Wow! My bottom line for all of this is, I missed talking to you.
Jew Boy: Ahhhh, you are so sweet.

We then starting kissing and had amazing, some-what makeup sex. There were few words exchanged. I had said everything to him and him to me.

I Know This Is Bad

After our talk, I couldn't catch Jew Boy online, but I got no call from him either. A few days turned into almost a week. My heart was sinking. My journal reflects what I was feeling best.

"I need him to explain what he is feeling, regardless of what it is. What is this for him? What am I to him? This is a conversation that he should have addressed already. I need it to come out. I want someone who wants to be with me for me. I deserve that much."

Again Still Trolling

With all of the recent downed events, I was still hoping that the relationship with Jew Boy would work out. We had an amazing connection, sexual and otherwise. Something that I deemed real. With all of this said, there was still the issue of him constantly being "Online Now" trolling for other women.

The website where we met granted me the ability to view his online practices. I will admit that I had a slight obsession of checking up on him. I wanted to know what he was doing and who he was doing it with. It seemed that his online frequencies had increased over time. I was irritated, but more than than that I was hurt. When I would visit the site to see that his profile was online, a knot would develop in the pit of my stomach. It made me terribly weak. And furious.

I had to address this issue with him, I just didn't know how. After pondering over the situation and viewing his habits, I decided to send him a "wink." (This site allows their customers to show interest in someone by winking at them). I recognized this would get my point across, but still in a subtle way. There might have been a more mature action plan for the confrontation, but fuck he wasn't exactly in that mode either.

When I got to work, I logged onto the site. Bam, he was online right then, so with trepidation, I winked. I wanted him to see it in the early morning and think about it all day. I don't know if I accomplished just that, but he did respond to me through my regular email account. All it said was 'why are you winking at me?' By this short response, I figured he was pissed. This is not exactly what I had intended to do, but I did want his attention.

To be fair, I called him and made it all into a light hearted joke. I started, "I got your email today and decided to call and answer your question." He laughed and said, "Why were you winking at me?" Like he didn't know? I replied, "Because you are a sexy bitch and you looked like you would be good in bed!"

He knew what I wanted, so he openly started talking this trolling habits. He admitted to checking the site everyday, but just out of curiosity. Really? He was frank with me, but I am not sure entirely honest. I felt compelled to acknowledge that the real reason I winked was to relieve tension. We both knew that each other were still on the site, but we had always outright avoided the topic.

After exchanging stories and our thoughts on our dating experiences, he said that he had not met any other girls after we starting seeing each other, but had a few short exchanges online, that never left the computer. I said, "Well, I don't know what you are looking for on there, but you will never find anyone better than me." At first, he only laughed at my very honest comment, but then admitted that he knew that. At least the fucker knew that much.

Really Not Funny

No call back nothing. The next day he texted, relativity late. It read, 'Dinner later....playing golf.' I gave him the invariable courtesy he gave me the night before. I did not respond. My plan was to to lie, to tell him no, I had plans. This went well in my mind, until he called. Was there a reason I should sit at home by myself, when I could have free dinner, drinks and sex? I felt I didn't need to make my point that bad!

When Jew Boy arrived, there was no kiss, no you look hot or the like. This should have been an indication of how the night would end, but I chose to remain naive. At dinner, there was a strong exchange of conversation between his friends and I. They were interested in me and I in them. There were times during the night when apparently Jew Boy thought I had lost the ability to speak for myself, answering questions for me. Dick.

When it came time to pay for the meal, he informed me that he forgot his card. Really fucker? He had inched out onto some kind of limb and believed this would be a comical joke to employ in front of his friends. Not really, no laughs here. Actually, the only half-way amusing part was, I would have been glad to pay for any outing because he had always made treating me a priority. I didn't get the joke, didn't think it was funny in the least, but Jew Boy appeared to get his needed laugh.

The night continued to move in the direction of downhill, as we moved from the restaurant to the bar. We were forced to sit close, but there was no touching or laughing. There were only a few self-absorbed comments, referring to how cool he was and how everything I liked generally sucked. It was in these moments when I found Jew Boy not only shallow, but extremely immature for an over thirty male. When the group was leaving, Jew Boy didn't bother to ask if I was ready, we just left. Apparently courtesy was too much to ask for this night. I wasn't ready to go, I wanted to more to drink. I needed to drown him away, at least for the night.

I continued my drinking ritual when back at my house. When I extended the offer to him, he didn't want anymore saying, "I am done for the night, do you have a problem with me not drinking?" Actually, I did have a problem, but it had absolutely nothing to do with drinking or not.

I laid it all out telling him the night was terrible for me due to his stupid fucking jokes and complete lack of compassion. He said that I had apparently misunderstood. Like I didn't have enough intelligence to determine clues from his shallow personality? He continued saying that he was not making fun of me, just having fun with me. That was a very fine line. One that I felt he crossed all night, on purpose. I ended the conversation by saying he seemed disinterested in me all night. He explained that was not true, "I was just tired."

Really? Is that the same type of excuse as "I have a headache?" Apparently not because we did have sex.

What's Up

I conversed with Jew Boy only a hand-full of times after our long weekend. The exchanges were erratic, almost forced. He frequently started our once powerful conversations, with "what's up?", turning from strong romancer to friend. Not a good friend, just a friend. Highly personal jabs at my character were his new found tools. He became increasingly hard to talk to and overtly self-absorbed.

I remember one call he made from his friends' house, but then proceeded to talk to them instead of me. I finally said, "Are you talking to me?" He said no. I responded, "Well, call me back when you are."

I hated the direction we were going. It was out of control, but not in my hands.

Meeting the Fam

I was filled with excitement as the visit of my sister was nearing and I felt it was time Jew Boy made her connection. Not my family, just her. When I asked, he said, "Of course," but immediately acted disinterested. I said, "This is not the family, there is no pressure. I would love for you to go out with us, but don't feel obligated." His meek response was thank you. Feeling unsatisfied, I continued to push, "Well you think about it." I gave him a short three seconds, then asked how long he planned on thinking. He busted out laughing and said, "I will meet your sister."

In his head, I think there was an underlying Fuck That.

On and On

Since I hadn't seen or really spoken to Jew Boy, we made plans to see each other for several nights in a row. There was nothing magical about the number three, it was just how things evolved.

Night #1
Since there had been some distance between us, due to the holidays, I was super excited to see Jew Boy and the concert we had been planning for. We first proceeded to dinner with two of his friends that he had been craving me to meet. The girl of the group and I graduated from the same college, so Jew Boy acted as if we were separated at birth. Make no mistake, I did like her, but I held back because through talking to Jew Boy, I learned that she knew The Big X. Luckily and to my surprise, the topic never came to fruition. I am sure Jew Boy got the dirt before the dinner, but if so, he didn't have enough balls to speak a word of it to me.

The concert was great, but Jew Boy, even better. There was lots of touching, flirting and kissing. I did observe that he was quiet at times. I chalked it up to him being a bit out of his element. I did know every song by heart, was singing loudly and drank enough to kill a small child!

After the concert, we went back to his house and had great sex. During the first couple of minutes of penetration, he looked down into my eyes and softly said, "I did miss you." Maybe he did miss me or maybe it was just the fact that he had not jacked off for five days!

Night #2
We woke up early and laid together for hours giving each other full body massages. He had previously asked me to stay and spend the day with him. For some reason, I was utterly uncomfortable with the idea. There were only a handful of times then we had hung out during the day, even fewer times without liquor. I recognized he wanted me too, but I couldn't parent the sacrifice. I don't have an answer as to why. I should have.

I returned to his house for dinner and another night out. Dinner was nice, but concert number two was even better! The affection from the previous night seemed to have faded, but there was lots of conversing. We talked and laughed all night long.

We spend the night at his parents house because he was 'dog sitting.' This was awkward for me because I couldn't pick his parents out of a lineup, but I was forced into staying among their possessions. When we arrived, Jew Boy gave me a tour. All I will say is it was impressive. Oh, and the sex was great too!

Night #3
I woke up to him cooking me breakfast. He was a bit quiet, I was hungover and frankly, tired of trying to make him talk. I said fuck it. We ate in what seemed like eternal silence, then I went home.

Again, I returned to his house to go out with his friends for New Years Eve. I had mixed feelings about spending the momentous night without my friends, but I wanted to be with Jew Boy. Do I dare say that the party was lame and the people sucked balls? Well fuck, thirty and forty years old performing karaoke is not my kind of fun. I stayed, felt alone, so I drank. Drank. Drank.

I got one New Years Kiss, then we left shortly after. Normally, I would have been pissed to leave a party so early, hell with my friends it would just be getting started, but these were not my friends and it for sure was not our party!

We went back to his house to drink alone. I was fine with it because at least I was away from all of the freak friends! Well, I was fine until Jew Boy stopped drinking. Fucking shit. This only added to my previous annoyances from the night. He was non-loving, non-sharing and for sure, non-affectionate. I went out to smoke, shed a tear and then spoke the words out loud, "What the fuck I am doing?" Jew Boy knew I was annoyed and questioned why I seemed angry. I told him I wasn't at all. I lied.

He woke up early, but let me sleep. I heard him leave, but he returned with breakfast for two. It was a sweet gesture after how the night played out. We had amazing sex and then breakfast. I made him cum hard. This part of him was my drug and I was beyond addicted.

Missing Me

I hadn't seen or talked to Jew Boy in a few days, so in a drunkin stupor, I dispatched a desperate text.

Me: "Do you miss me yet?"

No Response. No Response for over thirty minutes. My phone finally rang. I quickly said, "Are you not going to respond my text?" He replied, "I just did by calling you. I would never respond to a message like that with another message. And yes, of course, I miss you."

We spoke about our upcoming plans to see a much anticipated concert. I asked if he was excited about the show. "I am excited to see you," he was frank.

Big Evening, Big X

The big soiree with The Big X was finally near. I knew that he had been feeling identical pain about being apart for the first Christmas in six years. The plan was for the night to be our typical Christmas celebration, without actually admitting it to ourselves or each other. I agreed to go with him, knowing it would be terribly insensible to my heart.

When he arrived to pick me up, he came bearing gifts. The card read," I love you very much and I miss you." The presents were totally unexpected and once opened, made me feel terrible because I had nothing to give in return. I should not have felt bad, he owed me, not in the way of gifts, but an explanation of his earlier actions.

We went to dinner and a movie, nothing to set fireworks off about, but a feeling of assurance that this relationship was not dead. The conversation flowed as it always did. We laughed uncontrollably. The only unbelievable part about the night was that we were not actually together anymore.

When he dropped me off, he kissed me. We hugged for what seemed like forever. There were tears in his eyes. Mine were welling inside. He said, "I miss you more than you know." He tasted that I was upset, so he asked if I needed anything. I said no. What I really needed was for him to turn back time, to change this situation that he put us in.

His Personality

An explanation eventually transpired as to why Jew Boy never over asked questions or probed me for answers on any topic. With a highly laid-back personality, he thought that building a relationship was about letting things happen and unfold, therefor develop. We had open communication, in the way of me being able to ask anything, anytime. He was always free and honest with his answers, but never reciprocated in giving me the same type of quizzes. This drove me crazy by making me believe that he just wasn't that into me. He was intelligent and overly observant, but in a quiet way, so maybe he knew more than I gave him credit for.

Moving slowly was a product of him. His personality. I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, if he had been any other way. At the same time, I hated that he didn't push. I wanted just a little more than what I got.

Is simply "letting things evolve" the way this life is suppose to happen? This is not my outlook. I am unable to sit back and let some other power take over my life. In whatever I am doing, I feel an overwhelming drive to always be in control, a product of being highly driven. How will I ever learn if it is right, if I don't ask the questions? If I don't push, will I ever get what I want?

Maybe this is irrational thinking. Maybe it is who I am. There are times when I wish I could be more laid back. But then again, would I be where I am today if I were more laid back? The circle continues.

Sensual and Real

I was nervous as I was on the phone making plans with Jew Boy. A real date, a real restaurant and all of the pressure that goes with that. I was constantly nervous when I was around him because I felt pressure to impress him. I thought I was out of his league and felt the need to show him that every time we were together. Aside from my self-absorbed tendencies and inflated ego, the night consisted of great food, great drink and even better conversation.

As we were preparing to leave, I looked down and bent over to grab my purse. As I looked up, words spilling out of my month, Jew Boy shut me up quickly with a passionate real kiss. It was totally unexpected, somewhat forced, but sensual and oh so real. A memory so strong in my mind that I could never forget the way it happened. Perfection. As I walked out of the restaurant in front of him, he grabbed me from behind and took us home.

As I was getting into "something more comfortable," his hands clenched me and stripped me nude. He spun me around so that my back was accessible to him. I thought he was going to bend me over, but instead he put his hands all over and kissed me on every part of my neck. He kept repeating, "You are so sexy." During sex, he told me I felt amazing. He did too.

Blinded by the Sex

I didn't have an issue with Jew Boy being Jewish. I was open to any and all ideas, but I was unsure that he was as open as I. My writings read like the confused sole I was.

"With the bombshell, I don't know if I could imagine my life with him. I do like him, but I need to decide if I can moved forward with this or if we need to be cut off. He is very different from me in his habits and in his likes. He treats me well and lets me be center stage. Everything is easy with and for him, but we grew up very differently. I don't know if he understands how much so. I do and it scares me. I know this answers will come in time. For now, I am excited to see him tomorrow and for that great sexual chemistry that we have. I never want that to go away."

I have a problem opening my eyes when I am in a relationship. I have a tendency to move forward blindly, unable to critically analyze my situation. If I had been able to do that with Jew Boy, I would have had my answer to many of my questions. It seems from the writings, I was ignoring way too many issues that were never going away. Maybe this time, I was blinded by the sex. Ah, the sex.

To Buy or Not to Buy

Christmas is always a strange topic of conversation when in a new relationship. To buy or not to buy. Then, when a gift exchange has been decided upon, there is the overwhelming pressure of what to get.

It was a lame lead in, with Jew Boy questioning if I had all of my shopping complete. He said he was out buying a present for this mom, when he thought of me and wondered if we were going to exchange "gifts." To tell the truth, the thought was yet to cross my mind. He said it was something that he wanted to do for me. Then continuing on, he spelled out that it really would not be a "Christmas Gift" because he didn't celebrate Christmas. I probed. He admitted, "I am Jewish." I know I reacted as shocked as I was. He said he thought that I already knew.

Really, how is that, because you were upfront about it in your profile? Because you had a lack of lit reindeer in your front yard? Or maybe it was your non obvious Jewish last name. Come on, we live in the middle of the Bible Belt. I had no clue. Maybe my unknowing was due to my lack of religious education, but it could have also been the fact that Jew Boy did not speak a word of Jewishness since we met.

In an instant, Jew Boy turned from sex god into a Rabbi, giving me a crash course in Judaism. At a rapid pace, my brain was absorbing information related to everything from Jewish tradition to The Holocaust. He was deep into it and so was his family.

The questions were piling up so fast I had no idea where to start. With the obvious, was a good place. I wondered if he was "allowed" not only by the religion, but by his family to date a Non-Jewish girl. His answer was a bit vague, saying, "Let me put it to you this way, my dad has married two women, neither of which were Jewish. They both converted." Great we are now talking about marriage. Convert, never going to be a option, I love Santa way too much!

He explained that he had dated more Non-Jewish girls than Jewish. That must have been because most Jewish women I have seen are butt ugly. He said that he believes in the religion fully, but also makes up his own mind about how he wants to move forward with it. In a word, he was allowed to "date" me. But, I did grasp the vibe, that in the end, he really wants a Jewish girl. I am sorry but I will never be that. Ever.

I don't mean to make light of Jewish people, Jewish beliefs or the Religion as a whole. In fact, I know very little about any and all religions. I did learn a lot from Jew Boy, but not enough to make me convert out my world of sin!

Busy Starring at You

We started the night with an analysis of a Fleetwood Mac concert. It was our way to break the ice, to do a little fighting without actually fighting. The sarcasm ran deep between us, but even more so when it came to music. He was always open to my tunes, but I could never swing his. In fact, if he hadn't been so good in bed, I would have questioned his sexuality based purely on his terrible taste in music.

I owed Jew Boy the Fleewood Mac concert, because he spent the entire rest of the night listening to one of my bands. The bar where we went was a topic of conversation because we were sitting in the exact same spot that we were just four months before, on our first date. He actually brought that up, saying that he didn't remember seeing a band the first night we met. I said, "What, were you that drunk?" He replied, "No, I was too busy starring at you all night to remember." I wanted to kiss him for that.

Once we were at his house, we danced, to Prince! We has sex that I started. Lights Out. All in all, the night was one of the best nights with Jew Boy that I remember. I was comfortable, totally comfortable, but still not giving as much as I should have.

A Need for the Same

The text read, 'I purchased the pink shirt and I am excited for tomorrow.'
The pink shirt and tomorrow made reference to my office Christmas Party. I had "the" perfect outfit and was taking "the" guy I was totally into.

The shirt that I selected was revealing, to say the least. My breasts were more than partially exposed, as one could have popped out with a slight sudden movement! Still, it was sophisticated, in a highly sexy way. Jew Boy had an orgasm on my doorstep when he laid eyes on me. Just why I paid too much for it!

The party was over-the-top uppity. Not my kind of event, but among all of the bottles of wine, my boss did remember to get me a case of beer! We made the rounds, talking and laughing. Jew Boy and I would frequently escape for a smoke. He had been waiting to get me and the shirt alone all night. When, he did he attacked me. Not that getting a hard-on was difficult for him, but as soon as he touched me, he was totally turned on. He said, "I can't help myself, look at you." On that comment alone, we made out on level four of my parking garage. Classy.

When we were totally wrapped up and he was clothes humping me, I told him that to me, he was more than just sex. Yeah, no response. I repeated myself three times before I got a reaction out of him. Jew Boy sluggishly muttered, "What do you want me to say?" I wanted him to tell me that it wasn't for him either, that he wanted me not for the shirt or for the sex, but for me. He made it clear that he was at my office party and that was enough to show me that it wasn't all about sex for him. I couldn't argue with him on that, but still that wasn't enough.

There were a few strange moments when the party goers referred to Jew Boy as my boyfriend. Some people are just dumb asses. One idiot lady asked Jew Boy directly if I was his girlfriend. He slowly said, "I am whatever she needs me to be." It was very confusing and awkward.

When we had consumed enough alcohol to drive home, we did just that. We had sex two times. After the second, I thought I was dead, my face quivering. I was compelled to communicate that I had never had an orgasm that good. He said, "Ahhhh" and explained that it was hard for him to him to believe that because before me, he was inadequate. I think he was bullshitting on that one. Come to find out, he thought all of the same things I did. He said, "Sex is always amazing with you and I love it."

I wish he would have felt all of the same things for me that I did for him, outside of sex.

Confusion

The Thanksgiving Holiday was erratic in trying to communicate with Jew Boy. Before he left, he invited me to call. When I did, no answer. There were text messages, an entire collection of them, and one lonely return phone call. The call was fleeting, overly peculiar and happened in a whisper. Fuck you, if you are trying to pretend that I don't exist when your family is around. That is pure shit.

I had plans with Shelly the Saturday night after Thanksgiving. I extended the invitation to Jew Boy, even though he was returning from vacation that day. With that suggestion, he seemed more than prepared to go. That night, when I hadn't heard from him at ten, I called. He said they had just gotten home from and was too tired to come out. Really? Was your sorry ass not going to call and tell me? I was beyond annoyed. I told him if he changed his mind to call me back. He said, "I really want to see you, so you should come over after you are finished hanging out with Shelly." I thought you were too tired, fucker? I said, "If you can't make the effort to come out and see me, I doubt that I will make it to your house at two." Fuck you, I am not your personal hooker. This conversation circled for more than a few moments. After every possible lame excuse escaped his month, he said, "I will be there soon." That is how bad he wanted to have sex with me.

The rest of the night at the bar went off without a hitch. He even mentioned he was glad to be there.

When back at his house, he grabbed and started kissing me. Sex followed. It was good, but there was no romance and minimal touching. Not at all normal. This continued in the morning. In fact, I woke up to him yelling in the phone, not laying with me as he should have been.

I was baffled by all of his actions. He should have balled up and met me for the entire night. That is what I would have done to see him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't figure "the us" part out. Everything was perfection before we left for Thanksgiving. When he returned, it was weirdness. Much confusion.