Trashy

I have always been the type who loves public affection and my affection has a tendency to grow stronger with drinking. If I want to partake in a little dirty kissing show, fuck all who have a problem with it. Maybe there is a part of public affection that can be trashy, but I usually try to keep it classy for purposes of harmless, good fun.

I think I let my own rules slide a bit, the night I went to see Ted Nugent with the Big X. We were having such a fantastic time, with drinks flowing, we forgot we were surrounded by a very large, invasive crowd. Explaining a Ted Nugent crowd is impossible to do, as the adjective sleazy doesn't even begin to cover it. These people were straight out of a Texas trailer park, with the missing teeth to prove it. As our kissing began, there were comments coming in from all sides, "Yeah Boy, you go!" There were groups of cheering and support all night long.

Trashy, yes.
Fun, hell yes.

Even with all of this, we were able to have a serious conversation. The Big X explained to me, "I regret everyday that we broke up. I regret that we are not together. I think and worry about you all of the time."

Ironically, he is the only one who had the power to change it.

Introduced

In an effort to reconnect with The Big X, I had been soliciting him to introduce me to the new friends he had forged while we were apart. I was overly interested, plus bothered by what he had been doing the last year without me.

With a plan in motion to take me out to meet his friends, we initially met for dinner. He was happy to see me and told me I looked hot. I was and felt it. After dinner, we went to the bar. He friends had not arrived yet, so we decided to have a drink at the bar while we waited for a table. As I traipsed toward the bar, The Big X succeeded me. I was forced to stop by the large crowd, I looked at my reflection in the mirror that was directly in front of me. Starring back at me was, of course, an image of myself, then directly behind me was Jew Boy, behind him was The Big X. Oh Fuck, the irony.

I stood frozen for at least 10 seconds contemplating what to do. There was no getting around this one, I knew it. As I turned around, I accidentally dumped into Jew Boy, as I was only seeing him in a mirror, which disrupted my depth perception. When I hit him, he was looking down and didn't know it was his fuck buddy that has just pegged him. Still without looking up, he said, "Oh I am sorry." Then finally, he looked at me and died laughing. It was bizarre that I ran into him, but it was just one in a long line of coincidental experiences between us.

I had no idea he was in town and he knew nothing about my showing, as he was on a date. We were both laughing loudly, not believing what has just happened. He said, "This is so weird." He admitted that he was on a date, but had just taken her to the car. It had gone so badly that he was coming back in for another drink before he headed home. Jew Boy noticed that The Big X was standing a few feet behind me and said, "Are you on a date." I said, "Shit no, that is The Big X." He acted like he didn't care, but all the while was extremely touchy and very flirty.

I couldn't bring myself to introduce them. What was I to say, "Since I am fucking both of you, I thought it was time that you were introduced?" Need less to say, The Big X was irritated. As we walked off, he immediately asked who Jew Boy was. I replied, "Oh he is a friend." The Big X took his stab, "He is funny looking. He is about two inches shorter than I am and looks retarded." He really shouldn't have said such things about the guy I was fucking on a regular basis!

The Big X and I made our way to the patio, far away from Jew Boy. As we talked, all I could think about was Jew Boy sitting in there alone. Oh and how bad I wanted him! I plagiarized a story about my stomach hurting in order to get back inside. The Big X bought it and I went straight to sit by Jew Boy. He seemed happy that I had returned and our conversation was great.

Me: You know not to go on blind dates that your friends set you up on.
Jew Boy: I know, they always suck. But I am still in a great mood because I shot well at golf today. Did you know I won huge money in the golf tournament that day after you stayed with me last?
Me: I am good luck. How in the hell would I know that, you only contact me when you want sex?
Jew Boy: laughing.....That is the only time you call me too. We really should talk more.

Me: Do you want to come and sit with us?
Jew Boy: Do you want me to meet him?
Me: He has a name and no you don't need to do that. Literally.
Jew Boy: We really do need to talk more. Outside of hooking up.
Me: I agree.....it is all on you.
Jew Boy: We will. Have fun tonight.

He hugged and kissed me on the cheek. Oh, how I wanted it to be on the lips. I wish I would have been without The Big X.

They were both jealous and it was a great place to be.

Did He Ever?

I had been spending more and more time with The Big X. It felt normal, but with the missing link being passion. It was hard to separate how it use to be with him and the intense sexual experiences that I shared with Jew Boy. The Big X was not giving me what I needed. I couldn't remember now if he ever did.

Totally Worth It

Trying to get out my rut of sharing myself with two guys who didn't appreciate me, I met and went out with Doc. I don't call him Doc, as in a respectful Doctor of Medicine, but Doc as in Doctor Marten. Yes that is right, he wore Doc Martens on our date. Seriously, I had no idea they still produced those terrible fucking shoes! More importantly, who still wore them in public? Apparently the answer to that I was stuck with, at least through dinner.

I hate to be so terrible because Doc was actually a very nice guy and cute to boot. No pun intended. He was extremely respectful and we had a night filled with laughter. While on my way to the bathroom and to sneak a secret cigarette, Jew Boy texted.

Seriously? He was two for in successfully interrupting my last two dates. Every time Jew Boy dropped from my thoughts, his presence resurfaced.

Texting started.

Jew Boy: What's up baby?
Me: Not much....having a few beers. What are you up to?
Jew Boy: Having dinner with my boss.....very horny.
Me: Can I help with that?
Jew Boy: Yes, I will call you soon.

By the time the texting ended, I was totally checked out of my date. All I could think about was the crazy sex I was about to have. I didn't feel at all guilty because after all, Doc was wearing non-shoes.

When Jew Boy showed up at my house, he didn't want to drink or even talk. All he wanted was to strip off my clothes. During some intense kissing, he stopped and looked me in the eye. He announced, "You look hot tonight." I responded, "Sexy and beautiful too. I know and thank you." He said, "I know you know. That is what is so hot." He looked good as well, but still, it he didn't compare to me. He never did.

He literally started taking off his own clothes and shortly thereafter demonstrated why his texting was no joke. Afterward, I got that chance to tell him he was completely random in his contact. He admitted that he was, but said he just wanted to see me. I asked, "Well was it worth it?" He said of course. He was too, but all I had to give up was the Doc. And his shoes.

Totally worth it.

Tired

After spending time with Jew Boy and The Big X alike, I was desperately tired. My journal reflected on my thoughts.

"I am tired. Mostly of not having anyone to share my life with. I am tired of not being able to be in someone's life. I am longing for a connection and the butterflies, the unknown. I want to get to know my someone and love them for who they are. I want and need passion. I want the transfer of all things pure and real."

Someone Where Are You?

If he didn't make it clear enough to me in our first conversation, Jew Boy left nothing to question this time. My journal from this time reads like this.

"I have to accept what I cannot change. I have to stop waisting time with someone who doesn't want me because there is someone out there who does. I have done everything I can. Jew Boy did serve a purpose in my life. He gave, but is through giving now. I feel it. Still, it is difficult to accept."

No More Secrets

I found myself at a concert getting really drunk, having a great time and texting Jew Boy for sex. Since I had never felt comfortable being his call girl, I had him meet me out. I am not sure that he really wanted to, but he knew my rules! We drank, talked and laughed, exchanged bullshit information, fought about music. He gave me nothing besides bar conversation. No touches, no kisses.

After we had sex, we talked until five am. I am sure that I said many things that I can't remember due to my alcohol induced state. What I do remember, I should have refrained from saying. I started, "There are some things that I need to tell you regarding the relationship we once had. I was never able to emotionally be there for you because I had just gotten out of a six year relationship when I met you. You were awesome, I just didn't know how to handle you. It was all about timing and I am sorry that it was the wrong time for me." He responded, "I knew there was always something more you were not sharing. I knew, I just didn't know the details of your situation. It would have all eventually come out, but that was not what it was about. It was me, not you. Even if you had shared that with me earlier, it would not have mattered."

With the response I got, I felt better just because I was honest with him. There was now nothing he didn't know.

Long Time Coming

I had been unhappy. Not just sad, but a form of depression that had been slowing taking over me for close to two years. I finally felt like I had hit rock bottom, in every regard. It had a little to do with The Big X and some to do with Jew Boy, but mostly had to do with me.

I knew that The Big X had noticed that I was not doing well, because we was calling frequently to check up on me. When he did he would ask tons a questions that I was not prepared to answer or share with him. I knew he was worried about me. Frankly, I was too.

One night, I simply shared by innermost fears and pains with him. I admitted that I didn't really know who I was and the part that I did know, I didn't necessarily like. The Big X said, "You put up lots of walls, a big front. You say you have a hard time letting people in. I see through it. You are scared of rejection." He finally admitted that the reason he walked out was because he was tired of trying to make me happy. He had tried for over three years and was simply just tired. I responded by saying, "The reason you failed to make me happy is because you can't. I am the only one that can make myself happy." He agreed with all of my thoughts on myself and was honest by telling me his.

He ended our much needed conversation by saying, "I am terribly worried about you and care for you greatly. I am in no way done with you or this relationship. You pass through my mind everyday. I care everyday."

A little Mystery Please

Since I didn't offer Patrick a fair chance the first night I met him, I decided to go out with him again. I met him at his house and had a few beers before going out. We had good, but serious conversation. He wasn't uptight, but there were not enough laughs for me. Sarcasm did not seem to be a term in his vocabulary. He was very cute, successful and met all other criteria. But there wasn't that initial overwhelming sexual attraction.

We returned to his house and listened to music. We started making out on the sofa. He was good, much like Jew Boy. He told me repeatedly how great of a kisser I was and how he could do it forever. I didn't have the desire to have any kind of sexual relations with him, so I made my way home.

As I was driving, but no where near home yet, Patrick sent a text message. "I had a good time tonight and want to see you again soon. I miss you already."

Maybe it was the bitch in me, but I was irritated by his message. No breathing time. No time to come down from where we had just been and he was already talking about seeing me again. For me, there has to be some sort of build up. Something unknown, a little mystery. With Patrick, that didn't exist.

Our Usual

As I was getting ready to go out on a first date with Patrick, Jew Boy called. When I was not thinking about him is when he surfaced. He was in the arena for the Big 12 Tournament with all of his friends. He made the call to talked shit to me because our teams were about to play each other. We fired back and forth at each other with much flirting. He said, "Well maybe you will see me later."

Jew Boy couldn't resist calling me after the game because my team lost. I answered saying, "I don't know if I want to take this call or not." He laughed and promised to me nice. He really just wanted to know if I want going out. I was with Patrick, but I didn't tell him that. I just said of course I am. He told me to call him later.

I met Patrick at a cool spot in Uptown. He was good looking, but a bit arrogant. He seemed really nervous and talked about himself a lot. There was were tons of red flags flying as he spoke about his X. Not normal.

As soon as Patrick got up to go to the bathroom, I texted Jew Boy to see if the last game was over yet. He didn't reply but called back. I couldn't answer with Patrick right beside me, so I escaped to the restroom. He said that he was driving back to Ft. Worth because after one beer his friends wanted to go home. I asked where they were. He said, "Quaterbar." Really? That is where I was. Patrick and I were sitting outside, so there was not a chance in hell that Jew Boy didn't see us. That is exactly why he didn't call me! I played stupid and said, "No shit, because that is where I am right now and have been all night. I said did you see me?" He said, "No if I had, I would be there with you right now." Bullshit, he saw me with another guy. I told him that I was out with an old friend from college. Even though he was almost home, he agreed to turn around and come back to my house.

I ended my date with Patrick and made my way home to play with Jew Boy. We listened to music and drank. And then Our Usual.

Not Finished Yet

I was on my way back from a night out with some friends, when Turtleneck texted and asked me to come to a party. I was reluctant as it was already 2:00 in the morning, but his accent had a way of getting me to do things that I wouldn't normally do.

When I arrived, I was unsure if I was an adult party or some strange teenage orgy fest. The cops could have busted down the door at any time and made many underage arrests. For that I was scared, so I drank. It is a good thing that Turtleneck looked sexy because along with the party sistation, his friends were super dorks. I had a particular problem with his friend with the floating eye. It was strange to talk to him because I had no idea where to look. Besides the floater, he was all hyped up on himself. I can only here about what kind of car a person drives for so long.

Since Turtleneck and his two friends were only persons of age, I retreated to taking to just Turtleneck. He kept getting close to me and whispering (with that accent) sexy notions in my ear. I was in lust so I took him back to my house. First we made out on the sofa, then I led him to my room. While we made out, he told he how beautiful I was and said that he wanted to sleep with me. I was into it and wanted to see if he really had a turtleneck! As I understand, most German men do and it was something that I was yet to experience.

With all that had been exchanged between us, I was thinking it would be good. It started out that way, but then things went south, literally. He blamed it on drinking too much. I must say, that I have slept with many drunk guys in my time and not a one has had a problem like this. Turtleneck made sure to say it wasn't me. Damn right fucker, you are the one with the serious problem.

All together it was a bad situation that I wish would have never happened. Oh and for the record, there was no turtleneck. Fuck, all of that for nothing.

Dirty Texting Commences

After a bad date, I came home to relax, when the texting started.

Jew Boy: Lots of Coors Light for me tonight. (who says this?)
Me: Nice to know...me too. Where are you going, you might run into me?
Jew Boy: Looks like Wee Lounge in Ft. Worth. I dare you to come here.
Jew Boy: You know it's worth it.
Me: Oh yes I do, but it's your turn to come here.
Jew Boy: I know but have been drinking since 4, can't drive there.
Me: Bad excuse. Again you know it is worth it.

Thirty minutes pass.

Jew Boy: Are you on your way?
Me: Ah....no. I thought you agreed to come here. And I mean that literally.

Several hours pass.

Jew Boy: I know it's worth it, but I am at home now and going to bed.
Me: At least you know that much! Good night sexy.
Jew Boy: Smooch.

I laughed out loud because I love a little dirty texting!

The Accent

At a very trendy loft space downtown, I met Turtleneck for a second date. It was telling to see where and how he lived. I was impressed with his selections, as bachelor pads usually scare the shit out of me. This guy he did actually have some style.

We made our way to the bar for drinks. I was in a good environment with a super smart, hot German guy. What could be better? We exchanged conversation about our differences and the many things that we had in common. He was easy to talk to, while being overly interested in me. He spend time telling me I was beautiful. I said, "What about hot?" He said well that is apparent too. It was much better when he said it with that accent!

He kissed me goodbye at the end of the night. He was a good kisser. Still not Jew Boy status! But then again, Jew Boy didn't have that accent!

German Men

After weeks of talking to German Marc (or Turtleneck, as I will now refer to him) we met for coffee. I don't like coffee and never drink it, but Turtleneck was so hot online that I made an acceptation to consume something other than Coors Light or Diet Coke! When I arrived, he was not there yet. I assumed he was trying to find the perfect parking place for his very German Porsche.

When he walked into Starbucks, I knew it was him because there was nothing American about him, which was so hot. Turtleneck was tall and very dark with a style that could show me up! When he opened his mouth, I fell to my knees because I wanted to eat him up with his amazing accent. I am not sure that I paid much attention to what he said for the first hour. I just wanted to hear him talk. Anything that came out of his mouth was sexy!

Our coffee shop date, turned into four hours and dinner at another location. When it ended, I was already ready to see him again. Just what I needed, another Jewish guy. Right.

Our Picture

When I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed that the frame that I got Jew Boy for "Christmas" was laying face down. What the fuck? When I gave it to him, it had a photo of us in it. I wanted to pick it up too see if he had replaced the photo with a new one. I didn't because I thought he would hear me milling around in his personal items. If it was replaced, I do understand. If the photo of the two of us was still in there, why place it face down?

I do not deserve to be face down on any table. Ever.

Wondering About Fate

In the passing weeks, there were a few loose phone calls with Jew Boy. They were difficult for me, while trying to make sense of everything, but I was happy to hear his voice. It was great to laugh with him again. The calls were completely platonic, even after the offer of a friends with benefits relationship. If free sex was not something he was going to act on, I had really fucked up something good!

It was Shelly's birthday and we were going to blow out her 29th appropriately. During our dinner in Ft. Worth, the topic of Jew Boy came up. Shelly made it clear that she did not want me to call or text him later in the night. I laughed and said of course not, but all the while scheming what my text to him would be.

After dinner, we were off to the newest bar in the town. We had only been there for a few minutes, when I looked down to adjust my jacket. As I looked up, Jew Boy was walking toward me. If I hadn't been already starring, I would have done a double take. I said what the fuck are you doing here as I hugged him. We mentioned that he was making the rounds to look for his friends when he saw me. I did want to see him, but I swear that I had not sent any messages on the way to the bar. It was unexpected, chance meeting that makes me wonder about fate.

Since both of us were in shock, we made small talk at first, but quickly moved into more interesting conversation. He said that it was very strange to run into me like this, weird in fact. He said these are the times when he believes in fate. I am glad he made that connection because it was all that was running through my head.

Jew Boy: I thought I might run into one of my x-girlfriends tonight.
Me: Sorry to disappoint, you get me instead.
Jew Boy: I am glad it was you.
Me: WOW.

We talked to his friends for a few moments, but they ventured off, while he hung out with me the entire night. At dinner, he said that his friend had mentioned that he was going to run into me soon. He told me that they asked about me all of the time, because they really liked me. I said, well once people meet me that is the normal reaction. He said, "I still do too."

We hung out with my friends, as his friends took his car home. He was at my mercy, so I knew I could say anything I needed because I was his ride home! He mentioned that he still had some Coors Light at his house and no one had touched it since I had last visited. After trying to convince me in many other ways to come and be his fuck buddy, I replied, maybe. Oh, I knew I was going, as it was all I had wanted all night, but I wanted him to think he was not big deal to me.

We had a great time together. It was the best night I had ever spend with him. He felt different, less reserved. He was not trying to impress me, he was being himself. There was nothing to hide, everything was out on the table. It felt right.

I sat down in a booth, but with my legs facing outward toward Jew Boy. He walked up and stood over me, telling he how hard I made him. He leaned down and kissed me two separate times. They were passionate, real and oh so hot. Since I had him in a venerable position, I took the opportunity to ask him about his lame response to my heartfelt letter. He said, "I was taken down by it and really didn't know what to say. It was loving, real and true as it was from the heart. I had never heard those things from anyone in my life and am grateful that you shared them with me."

On that note, we left the bar. There was music, dim lights and lots of kissing. There wasn't much talking, but only hot sex. He said that he was glad he ran into me. I bet he was!

My State

Confusion. Pure and utter confusion was my state after sleeping with the Big X. Overall, I didn't know what I was feeling, but I did realize that my feelings for him had changed in the seven months we had been apart. Everything with him was so easy and I did miss him. But at the same time, he had hurt me so bad, there was a part of me that had written him off. Written us off. It felt different.

I needed to meet new guys, not The Big X, not Jew Boy, but new guys! I had many perspective dates, but it seemed like something was wrong with each of them. Either they were too desperate or not interested enough. For fuck's sake, can't I just get some kind of balance here?

Not Jew Boy Status

I offered to take the Big X out for his thirtieth birthday because he had no plans. Yes, of course, it was an honorable action, but I was doing it more for me than for him. I needed to test myself to see what I was still feeling, if anything.

I wasn't terribly excited about our plans, but we went to a nice dinner venue. We had a great and relaxed dinner, despite his phone ringing every thirty seconds. Apparently, everyone on the planet felt they needed to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't recall him having this many friends when we were together.

After the meal, we made our way to the bar for birthday cocktails. By some strange coincidence, his friends were there. He made his most telling moved of the night by introducing me to them and then saying that he wanted to spend the night hanging out with me. We made our way to the corner of the bar and sat by the fire. Out conversation consisted of everything, but only in general. No words were exchanged about us or our relationship. Well, except for when my boob popped out of my shirt, but that is a whole other story!

Toward the end of the night, he got more affectionate and seemed totally into me. It might have had something to do with the amount of beer we consumed or maybe it was the boob slippage. Hard to say, but we did have a good time. We returned to my house at the bar closing and started making out on the sofa. It eventually lead to the bedroom and a full blown sexual escapade. It was good, but for sure not Jew Boy status.

Learning

I had spent less and less time deliberating over the Big X, as I was trying to move past Jew Boy. I has having a dull night when I dialed The Big X to share with him the details of my recent date. It was not to gloat, but a serious situation in which I almost got hurt, badly. Without going into grave detail here, I went out with a guy that treated me so poorly that I could have filed charges on him.

After sharing the story with The Big X, he immediately put the phone down and headed over. He was highly distraught and genuinely worried about me. We talked for a hours about all of the details. He said if he saw the boy who hurt me, he might go to jail for beating him. When I asked why he came over, he told me it was because he loved me so much.

I let him stay over. There were kisses exchanged, but that was it. He acted as if he wanted sex with me, but never acted on it. It was almost as if he didn't expect to be in that situation and hadn't thought about what he would do if he were.

Missing His Touch

I had been meeting a few other people, but still missing Jew Boy badly. My journal explains.

"I miss spending time with Jew Boy, but the sexual part is what I am missing the very most. We connected on the highest level, like I never had before. I want that. I do miss talking to him. I miss his gentleness with me and his kisses. His touch in general. There were so many things that weren't right, but that so was."

It Was All Him

As I started to put one foot in front of the other came the inevitable analyzing of Jew Boy. Holding the burden of "there is just something missing" with a tough one to bear. I took me a long time to realize this was not my issue, but his.

There are deep seeded issues within him, not at all to do with commitment, but with confidence. He is searching for a feeling. This feeling is not for the girl in which he is looking. The feeling is about filling himself up in a way that he doesn't feel for himself. He is not happy alone. He is not whole and not complete, so how could he ever give himself to me?

What he has yet to learn is that it is not about a feeling, it is about character which gives those feelings. He needs to define the character or he will never fine the feeling. Searching for an intangible seems like a very lonely search. Impossible in fact.

I did many wrongs in this relationship. There are many things that I wish could have been different. But I take solace in the fact, that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. It was not me, it was him.

I also take solace in knowing what he had in me, is the best he will ever get.