Only Me

I am sick in thinking about The Big X. My mind goes crazy. I go crazy. I have no idea what we are coming to, but I know the decision will be on me.

The situation I am in is lose lose. He is currently allowed to see as many people as he wants, but still have me in his life. He has me and the rest eating out of his palm. I am completely aware and the only one who can change this.

I am not sure a commitment is what I want. Maybe I do, but maybe The Big X isn't enough for me. Maybe he never was.

Others

July 4Th was celebrated with the Big X, a baseball game, beer and fireworks. There was a hitch in the night when I noticed he was checking his phone frequently. Of course it was another girl. The other girl. Furious does not begin to describe his blatant rudeness.

We are in an open relationship, having a great time together, but with no definition. It is a ploy so neither of us have to make a hard core decision. I am unsure what I want and I know he feels the same. More simply, we are both scared because we know this is the last time. It is all or nothing.

Having an open relationship on the flip side of the coin was difficult. It hurts so bad.

Decisions

Decisions. The large ones that have shaped my life so far, have always come easy. The exception is when the decisions involve the men in my life. My decisions about which college, the three degrees, the house, the car, the job were all easy ones. I took risks, which are still paying off and will continue to for the rest of my life. With all of this self assurance, why the fuck is it so hard to make decisions involving the men?

Eight years ago, when choosing to date the Big X, I didn't make the connection, but now know he is much like my dad, simple in thought and in action. The Big X is a strong person who has defined who and what he is. He is firm, laid out and set in his ways. I am unable to manipulate him in any way. The Big X never wavers, never budges. I can't get him to do anything that he doesn't want to, even it is for me.

What I hate about him is what I love about him. Does that makes a relationship more powerful or totally fucked up?

In Addition to Somewhat Accurate

Ah, one more birthday celebration for me! My friend from college came into town for the night, as she was unable to make it for the first go round. We should never be allowed to go out, unattended. But I think she summed it best in Somewhat Accurate.

In a drunken haze, I tried and tried to convince Jew Boy that I was worth the drive.

Me: Did you change your mind about my birthday present?
Jew Boy: No
Me: When?
Jew Boy: Where are you?
Me: Frankie's....I would love to see you!
Jew Boy: Sorry not a good idea....too much to drink....:(
Me: What if I come there?
Jew Boy: You can't drive.
Me: Wanna Try?

Jew Boy: (after 40 minutes) What are you doing?
Me: Waiting on you?
Jew Boy: I am in bed.
Me: How long are you going to wait up on me?
Jew Boy: I will get up if you come here.

I texted the next day to tell him thanks for not letting me drive. No regrets, great night!

The Passion

It is clear to me that the reason I like Jew Boy, selected to date him and have continued an ongoing, purely sexual relationship with him, is because he is everything that The Big X is not. Jew Boy and I are everything together that The Big X and I are not.

Jew Boy is exotic to me and I to him. We want each other, but don't at the the same time. There are also many reasons why we can't. Jew Boy knows that he can't have me. In fact he doesn't want me because I am too much. To exotic and bottom line, to crazy for forever. It is pure passion for both of us. That is why we each continue the exchange. The passion, not the relationship.

What Do I Get?

With my inability to respond to Jew Boy on my birthday, I was feeling terrible about leaving him wondering. I send the following message.

Me: Sorry for not responding last night. It was my birthday..things got a little crazy!
Jew Boy: Happy Birthday!
Me: What are you getting me for my birthday?
Jew Boy: I don't know....what do you want?
Me: I want you.......
Jew Boy: No Response

He can't handle me. Never could.

Finally 30

I found myself embracing my thirty birthday with open arms. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that age is just a number or that I am older and wiser. Actually, I think it was me knowing there was a three week celebration in order!

I was surrounded by all of my friends and as many drinks as I could handle. We were a few hours into the party when a text came from Jew Boy, asking if I was out for the night. Oh how bad I wanted to respond, but couldn't because I was with The Big X. Irony.

I had consumed enough beer for two people, but at one o'clock decided I was not drunk enough for My Birthday. So, I promptly moved to the bar and ordered a martini. I don't drink martinis or even like them for that matter, so I have no explanation other than it was my birthday.

During the last hour, I consumed three of these terrible drinks. Don't remember much after that, including telling all of my lovely guests thanks for coming. I was told the next day that I peed on someones porch on the way to the car. I am unsure what would propel me to commit such an offense. Oh right, The Martinis! Happy 30th Birthday To Me!

The Perfect Guy

Since having an ongoing relationship with two men for the last two years, I have come to learn that I need both of them. They each offer different things, fulfill different needs in my life. I have determined that the perfect guy would be both of them combined.

What the shit kind of luck is that?

Reflection

My journal reflects my thoughts on The Big X.

I am tired so tired. I want and deserve someone who wants to be with me. I should not have to force it. I should never have to ask.

Maybe I want more from him that he can give. That hurts.