After the Austin trip, Jew Boy was the continuous playing feature film in my head. I replayed not only the sex that we had, but the awesome things he said to me. It made me super horny just to think of his name. I was missing him and wanting more. Not just more sex, but more of him. In fact, my journal entry from that day reads like this.
"This is sick. I really like him, but I am scared. I can't be in a situation where I will get hurt again. I can't handle it. I am unsure of his feelings for me, as he has never outright said them. Do his actions speak more loudly than his words? Does he treat every girl he meets this well or is this just him? Are there others girls besides me?"
He was mute when it came to actually discussing his feelings. He never put himself out there, outside of a sexual realm. To be fair, I never uttered a word about my feelings either. It was my fault for not asking and more importantly not being ready to hear the answer. It was almost that I wanted him to want me because I needed validation.
I was not ready for him as a boyfriend, but I DID have to know that he is only sleeping with me. It was the only way I could make it exclusive.
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