Calling Back

I spent a day out with friends not thinking about anything that was really weighing on my mind. When I returned I had a message from Jew Boy. It was a bizarre experience to have a call from a guy that I had never seen before, nor did not really even know. A few emails were exchanged, then just that easy, he was live in my voice mail! I was terrified at the thought of calling back. I had not been in this position since I was 21 years old. Let's face it, I am a different person now than I was then.

As I was dialing him back, thoughts were ravishing through my head. I was thinking please do not let me sound as crazy as I am. Please do not let me scare him with my language. Please do not let him be a freak with a weird voice. Please let the conversation come easy. Please, please do not answer!

Ah, no he answered! Trying to sound normal, but shaking all at the same time, I asked him the very invasive "what are you doing?" He laughed and said, "me?" I said, "Of course you, I am calling you, right?" He laughed again. The conversation started easy, with small talk. It then ventured into what he was doing on the site and what he was looking for. He made sure that I knew he was one of the "normal" ones. I tried to warm him that I was a little crazy! He of course wanted to know in what way I meant that. Guys are so fucking flithy dirty. So maybe is was normal!

One hour with Jew Boy turned into two and a half hours of pure conversation. By the end of it, he wanted to meet me in person. This had just gotten very real, really fast. Wow, this was going to be a huge step for me. I said that I was interested and that we would do it soon.

After hanging up, I felt liberated. I did want to meet him. I went out for the night feeling good about myself and the words that were exchanged.

Jew Boy

Much to my surprise, the hits were coming in, Internet dating hits. I had no idea what I was doing or how to field the emails. I felt a strange obligation to talk to every guy who sent me a email. Initially, I did too much talking to all of the wrong people. I will say, there are some fucking freaks out there!

In my very venerable state of Internet dating confusion, it took about a month to realize all of the facets, but there finally came an email that I was highly interested in. This guy was by far, the hottest guy that I had communicated with since joining the site. From this point forward, I will refer to him as Jew Boy. (I had no idea that he was Jewish, since his profile stated that he was "spiritual, but not religious." But that is a whole other story that I am sure will follow).

We spend just four short days emailing, then much to my surprise, he dropped his phone number. This guy was not fucking around and I liked it.

"Hi! When I go to Dallas I usually end up on a friend's couch at Cole's Corner behind Primo's! We seem to go to The Loon, Nakita, Republic, The Quater, the sports bar on the corner (I forget the name of it), TABC, all of those and others I'm sure I am leaving out. I live pretty close to Woody's, so I have been there a few times, same with the mule. I also like a couple of places on 7th Street and in downtown. If I am with the right people, I do not care so much where I go (for the most part)! As far as work, I was a pharmaceutical rep for about 5 years and just started a new job selling orthopedic devices. So far it has been the right move. I love music, all different types , but I do have my favorites. Just about anything from the 70's, especially funk and disco, always put me in good spirits, but I have a big range of taste.Anyway, maybe we can have some drinks together sometime and hang out. Here is my number, or if you want to give me your's, we could talk sometime ............... Hope to hear from you."

I gave him my number in return, somehow putting aside the fact that his favorite music was funk and disco! What the fuck??

Death or Date

I had to find an outlet, a way to meet new people. My very mixed up mind was telling me that he was fucking every girl on every street corner. I wanted to do the same. Enter, Internet dating!

Was this something that people in the real world did? It was always my thought that Internet dating was a way to meet an untimely death or discover a child molester. Really, I think my reluctantancy came from the negative connotations associated with Internet dating. Aren't all of those people desperate? If so, I was right there will them and actually intrigued about who could be out there.

Still Single

After all of that, all of the pouring of my heart, I had gotten no real response from The Big X. We talked weekly, but not about us or our relationship. I think it was a way for him to stay connected to me, still not sure if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. For me, it was my way of thinking it would work out.

Side note here, he DID make the biggest mistake of his life.

Second Try

The first letter was read and I hope he shed at least a tear or two for the rivers I cried for him. The following is the second letter I sent.

"I am once again writing freely about my thoughts and I hope you will take them to heart. The last few weeks have given me much time to think about our relationship; how your personally unhappiness was effected and what happened to us. These are only partial thoughts, but I feel like they raise a good point.

I was completely comfortable in our relationship and know that you were too. I remember that you recently told me that you were very secure in our relationship. I can’t speak for you, but do believe that you and I were both were so comfortable that, we were not trying. Basically, I feel our relationship got into a rut of going through the motions and not connecting like we had in the past. It was a bad cycle and I realize that now. In many ways, it made both of us unhappy. I was existing in the relationship, wanting but not giving enough back. We were not thinking, talking or focusing on each other for the right reasons. In a serious relationship of this length of time, there are always ups and downs; things that are not always perfect. I think sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good. Sometimes things have to be difficult just to see the good. If it would not have come to this, we would have continued on the same path and therefore we would not have had the great memories from last Sunday. Somehow, Someway we lost each other and what was important to and for us, but we can find it again.

I think we need a reconnection; a perspective change. We need to remember why we liked, loved and chose each other in the first place. We need to ask what we liked about our relationship and how it changed. We need to know why we were happy together and how that gave us five amazing years. It would be nice to find that connection I had with you because I know it is still there. It was on Sunday when we saw each other. I was nervous, excited and my heart was pounding when you got here. So much so that I had butterflies! It was a feeling that I had not felt in a long time and it was awesome. We had a great time together and I feel that is because we were absolutely focused on each other.

We have to be open about our highs and lows together. We have to not be scared to talk about anything or ignore feelings that we are having. We have to be nice to each other, say nice things and do nice things for each other. Not because we have to, but because we want to. When we are together, we need to focus on each other, but most importantly we need to have fun together (which was never hard for us)!

Our feelings toward each other have not changed that is clear to me in these past weeks. We just need to rediscover each other. We need do things that make life easier for both of us. We did many things and handled many situations in the hardest way possible. We need to do what is natural. I believe with all of my heart and sole that our relationship can be better than it was before. It is my hope that you can step outside of yourself and see the truth in this letter. I love you with all that I am."

What to do

After being paralyzed by the sudden end of my six year relationship, I got sick. There was a knot in my stomach. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep or breath. My words to the Big X came in a different way then they should have. Very typical of our relationship. This was the letter that I sent to him. Tear, large tear.

"Let me start me start by saying, I am not sure why I am writing, I miss you terribly. I have so many things to say and am feeling so many things that it is necessary to write. I feel I have climbed out of a wreck and I am staring at a mangled frame, wondering what the hell happened because that last thing I remember, we were doing great. I could confess things. I could apologize. I could say things like I still love you, if I thought it would help.

I am trying to pinpoint where the end began, to see if it was inevitable or just a mistake and to see if I had done a single thing differently, you would be sitting beside me right now. Could I have? Is love as fragile as this in your mind? What happened that you turned away from me? I am sure you have theories about this, but they have been incomplete to me. You owe me more. After this long, I should have at least a word in this and/or an explanation.

We had six great years. Ok, five amazing years and when one gets tougher than the ones previous, you are out? One thing that you don’t understand is that relationships are sometimes work. Just because it is not “perfect” all of the time, does not mean it is not meant to be or we do not work together. After all of the time that has pasted, I thought I meant more to you than the way that I have been treated.

I want you to be happy. I just don’t understand what I did to make you unhappy for an entire year. It is something tangible? I wish you would have told me how you were feeling and I wish you would let me know how you are feeling now. I know you and our situation better than anyone. Because of this, I feel that I could be of more help to you than some of the advise you are now getting. I feel that you have many issues, meaning you are afraid to be happy. Anytime you are finally happy, you find a way to sabotage it because you think you don’t deserve it. I know there many things you are unhappy with right now, but you need to speak openly about them in order to resolve them.

I want you to know that you make me a better person. I feel that we have something that some people search an entire lifetime for and never find. I know this because of the way that I feel when I am with you and I know you do too. It is special very, very special. I feel that I am not keeping you from anything. I feel that I add to your life and you to mine.

I reach for you literally at night and especially on the weekends. I would give anything I have for an ordinary Friday night; just watching a movie, taking baths together, and then going to bed in your arms. You have made it so hard to sleep alone. I miss your body around near mine. I miss how you put your hand in my back pockets and how you touch my back to let me know you are there.

I will say that I am sorry. Sorry for not knowing and sorry for not asking. I am sorry for not protecting us as if it meant more to me than anything in the world because it does. It is special. I want to be with you not writing you. Now at your request, I reliving the past and longing for it as I move further from it. It is important to remember what we had and still can have. I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be."

The Big X

I have been single now for year and a half. This is not a decision that I made, but one that was forced on me. It started as a lucid Friday night with the now X coming over. The second he spoke I knew this would not be a night of beer and fun. He came over to "talk." Do guys ever say that? I knew something heavy was ensuing, but did not understand the gravity of how his words would castrate my life, as I knew it then.

Basically, he was unhappy with me and had been for the last two years of our six year relationship. What?? Let me for one second call bullshit. I imagined we would be together forever. I was blind sided. Sure, I had been unhappy with recent changes in my life, but had no indication that they were effecting him so greatly. Why didn't he just tell me? Why did it have to come to this? These were HUGE issues weighing on my mind, none of which I said, since I was ill prepared for the attack.

The conversation ended almost as quickly as it had began. He was ready to escape and visibly shaken by the decision that he had just made. As he slammed the door, I instantly became single at 28.

Things About Me

....in no particular order

1. I love to kiss men that are great at it.
2. A man who can play a guitar well, may be the sexiest thing on earth.
3. I did not have the best sex of my life until I was 28.
4. I am not a social drinker. I drink to get drunk.
5. I lost my virginity at age 14, in a tree house no less!
6. My first car was a black Eagle Talon.
7. My mother is an only child and acts like it.
8. I don't know where the state of Ohio is (among others).
9. I am a bad speller.
10. I am an even worst driver.
11. I would love to be a full-time artist.
12. I have been in love two times.
13. I have stalker tendencies.
14. I have hacked into a guy's email that I was dating.
15. My friends and I use to steal when we were younger.
16. I could not live without live music.
17. I have made out with a rock star.
18. I don't know about religion, politics or history. Don't care to know.
19. I am 50% German.
20. I once weighed 170 pounds.
21. I am a terrible singer, but love to do it loudly.
22. Sarcasm is highly sexy.
23. There is nothing better than the first beer.
24. I like morning sex, when I am still half asleep.
25. I only have one armpit that sweats.
26. I love to dance under the stars, drunk.
27. Good fashion does matter.
28. When I was little, I ate my boogers.
29. I love raspy voices.
30. I love sex.
31. I own a cordless drill, nailgun and a saw, all of which I use.
32. I have been on more blind dates than I would like to count.
33. I am annoyed by people who don't speak English.
34. I have never seen Star Wars and don't intend to.
35. I have an obsession with short guys.
36. I have more one night stands than I would like to count.
37. I have kissed a few girls. It's just not there for me!
38. I am a former sorority bitch.
39. I am always up for a "friends with benefits" relationship.
40. My friends think I am crazy, but that is why they love me!
41. I love college football and basketball. Big 12 baby!
42. I can drink with the big boys!
43. My friends are the most important thing in my life.
44. I wish I was more outgoing.
45. I hate my voice.
46. I am scared of the word marriage.
47. Even more terrified of the word baby.
48. There ARE benefits to being single.
49. My dog is the love of my life.
50. I am open to the idea of abortion.
51. I have been in too many wrecks....all when I was behind the wheel.
52. I am a beer girl ONLY.
53. I love to drive with the windows down, but only when the music is loud.
54. I over analyze everything.
55. I love to drive fast.
56. I don't have the ability to cook. That gene is missing.
57. I love to give blow jobs.
58. Not very many things shock the hell out of me.
59. I can dance, well.
60. I love to talk dirty.
61. I have two tattoos. Love them and want more....
62. I haven't turned on FM radio in years.