What to do

After being paralyzed by the sudden end of my six year relationship, I got sick. There was a knot in my stomach. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep or breath. My words to the Big X came in a different way then they should have. Very typical of our relationship. This was the letter that I sent to him. Tear, large tear.

"Let me start me start by saying, I am not sure why I am writing, I miss you terribly. I have so many things to say and am feeling so many things that it is necessary to write. I feel I have climbed out of a wreck and I am staring at a mangled frame, wondering what the hell happened because that last thing I remember, we were doing great. I could confess things. I could apologize. I could say things like I still love you, if I thought it would help.

I am trying to pinpoint where the end began, to see if it was inevitable or just a mistake and to see if I had done a single thing differently, you would be sitting beside me right now. Could I have? Is love as fragile as this in your mind? What happened that you turned away from me? I am sure you have theories about this, but they have been incomplete to me. You owe me more. After this long, I should have at least a word in this and/or an explanation.

We had six great years. Ok, five amazing years and when one gets tougher than the ones previous, you are out? One thing that you don’t understand is that relationships are sometimes work. Just because it is not “perfect” all of the time, does not mean it is not meant to be or we do not work together. After all of the time that has pasted, I thought I meant more to you than the way that I have been treated.

I want you to be happy. I just don’t understand what I did to make you unhappy for an entire year. It is something tangible? I wish you would have told me how you were feeling and I wish you would let me know how you are feeling now. I know you and our situation better than anyone. Because of this, I feel that I could be of more help to you than some of the advise you are now getting. I feel that you have many issues, meaning you are afraid to be happy. Anytime you are finally happy, you find a way to sabotage it because you think you don’t deserve it. I know there many things you are unhappy with right now, but you need to speak openly about them in order to resolve them.

I want you to know that you make me a better person. I feel that we have something that some people search an entire lifetime for and never find. I know this because of the way that I feel when I am with you and I know you do too. It is special very, very special. I feel that I am not keeping you from anything. I feel that I add to your life and you to mine.

I reach for you literally at night and especially on the weekends. I would give anything I have for an ordinary Friday night; just watching a movie, taking baths together, and then going to bed in your arms. You have made it so hard to sleep alone. I miss your body around near mine. I miss how you put your hand in my back pockets and how you touch my back to let me know you are there.

I will say that I am sorry. Sorry for not knowing and sorry for not asking. I am sorry for not protecting us as if it meant more to me than anything in the world because it does. It is special. I want to be with you not writing you. Now at your request, I reliving the past and longing for it as I move further from it. It is important to remember what we had and still can have. I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be."