Straight Up

Dream Come True

2009-03-05T21:25:00.000-06:00

I have been an extended fan of TBD, listening to their music for years. As many concerts as I have attended, I was still yet to see TBD live and in the flesh. Being a fan as well, Kristin joined me at the HOB. The opening band was incredible, the drinks were flowing and the guy next to us generously shared his 58 joints.

Because we were the best looking girls at the show, we scored backstage passes. Kristen was a bit nervous going back, but we sit back, not mobbing the band, talking and drinking amongst us. Mike, the lead guitar player, was immediately drawn to us and spent the majority of his late night conversing with us. As strange as some of the TBD lyrics are, I was expecting him to be further out than what he was. Mike was extremely grounded and uber cool. I must admit, I was a bit starstruck.

After an hour of hanging out backstage HOB, Mike asked us to go back to the bus. Well hell yes we want to. There were a few cocaine induces bimbos on the bus, but we captured the band with our real, down to earth humor. We made our way to the back of the bus, for those of you who knows what that means. We were packed in the round booth, hanging with TBD. It was more than surreal.

After hours of drinking, smoking and music I was too fucked up to know where I was. This inevitably lead to some hard kissing and heavy touching. Nothing more, nothing less. It was hot. I had to force myself off the bus and dismiss the invitation to Austin. I have never been a groupie, but I came very close with this one. Much love for Mike Always.

The Young Ones

2009-03-02T20:23:00.000-06:00

After an early concert ended, Jami and I made our way out of Lee Harvey's and back up to Idle Rich. We were hoping, for our sake, there were some clean, nice boys, unlike the ones we encountered at the concert venue.

After we got our first drink and a prime table score, I was approached by an exotic looking, sexy clad guy. At first glance, I knew he was younger than I, but quickly realized his high maturity level, spectacular smile and strong wit. I was thinking maybe I had misjudged him. Maybe I just didn't care how young he was.

During what I am sure was an interesting conversation, I notice that Young One's drivers license was sitting on the table. Being my nosy stalker self, I grabbed it to survey the information. His bold birth date popped off reading 1986. Yes I said 1986. Not quite young enough for me to be his mother, but very very close. Too close.

I said, ahhh how cute, you are just a baby. He smiled a devious smile and whispered in my ear, I like older women. Oh right, of course. I laughed and said you can't handle me. He asked if I would let him try.

I decided to say fuck it. Young One was hot and more than likely dumb. Maybe he can be molded. I will at least let him see if he can handle me.

Semi-Rock Star Love

2009-02-25T19:53:00.000-06:00

Kristen had a bad bought with an online dating personality, so in order to get her mind off of it, I took her to a happening live concert venue where one of my bands was playing. It was a successful night in many ways; getting Kristen's mind off her experience, running into old friends, dancing, singing loudly and of course much drinking.

After two hours of a lame crowd, the band quit early. We were hanging out at the bar, when the band joined us in drinking. I have known Semi Rock Star for over 10 years, in fact he sang happy birthday to me when I turned 22. We have always had a casual, but friendly relationship. He is overly attractive, even more so with a guitar and mic in his hand.

As we were talking about old Stillwater days, he leaned in and kissed me. He said wow, you are an amazing kisser, then kissed me again. This happened repeatedly over a span of a few minutes. I was glad to give it back, but let it be known, the intentions were all that of Semi Rock Star.

As the band leaving for their hotel, Semi Rock Star asked for my number. He repeatedly started texting and calling before he even left the building. He was begging for me to come over, begging for more. Damn how I wanted his more.

I didn't out of respect for his wife. Yes, I said wife. People, I have hit an all time low with this one.

Round Two, Kinda

2009-02-24T20:27:00.000-06:00

Round Two, Ft. Worth, Texas. The night after sex with Johnny Romance, I was out again with my usual crew. Yes, BLarge was there. The group went to dinner then to ward another concert. During dinner BLarge came up behind me, grabbed me by the shoulders and apologized for his inappropriate advances while I was on a date. I was glad he made light of an extremely awkward situation. I told him I forgave so we progressed on a lucid track.

With the night in motion, I was flirting and talking to everyone within a mile radius. Well actually, the radius was much greater if the texts rocketing out of my phone count as well. Texts were coming in from Johnny Romance, asking what his chances were of us hanging again. I played hard to get, making him want it more.

As I drank and drank, my actions became more questionable. I sent nudy texts to people who certainly did not deserve them. I was singing and dancing in a floor length dress with my shoes off. By the end of the night, it happened that I was wearing BLarge's tennis shoes with my dress, taking last minute shots at the bar.

I will spare you the rest by saying I ended up wearing nothing at all in BLarge's bed. Shit.

Johnny Romance vs. BLarge

2009-02-22T18:17:00.000-06:00

A few weeks passed before I went out with Johnny Romance again. On our second date we reconvened at a bar in Ft. Worth to watch a concert. My friends were all there and in regular concert form. Better to share this with him early on in the relationship.

He showed up looking hot as shit. I never knew a gray t-shirt could look so good. He was open to my friends, my music and my insane ways. I loved him for that and his hot body. What I loved even more was that he was totally into me, with roaming hands to prove it. He didn't have a problem letting everyone in that bar know he was there with me. The way it should be.

I left Johnny Romance at the stage while I went to gather more drinks. While at the bar, I was approached by one of my friends roommate, BLarge. He was on a drunken rampage about how much he is and always has been attracted to me. I was smiling and trying to blow him off, when he leaned over and kissed me. For the record, I kissed back and it was good. Problem was I was with hot boy, Johnny Romance, not BLarge.

I returned to Johnny Romance as if nothing happened. I thank some higher power that he didn't see my bar make out session. We had a great time together, all night long. After the concert, he took me back to his house. We had a few more drinks then fell into his bed.

The sex with Johnny Romance was good, but he does have things to learn. Luckily for him, these are things I can teach.

Damn A&M Boys

2009-02-10T20:40:00.000-06:00

God how I always fall for Texas A&M Boys, Johnny Romance was the height of an A&M boy. He grew up in a small Texas town, drove a truck and had an accent to go with. Johnny Romance did not look the part of a country boy, although his personality was a little rough on the edges. He was hot, smoking hot.

Our first date was a great time of getting to know each other. We shared many things in common as far as the way we grew up, the colleges we attended and the professional success we were both starting to feel. He had a wit and sarcasm about him that made me smile madly. He had a rock hard body that my subconscious kept reaching for.

After we shared a number of drinks together, he convinced me breakfast was required. Afterward, Johnny Romance dropped me off at my car. He gave me a sweet, but hard kiss good night. God, how I wanted more.

Before I reached home I received a text from him that read, I had a great time with you. I wished you lived in Ft. Worth and were headed this way. I could easily fall for this guy.

Peephole

2009-02-04T20:13:00.000-06:00

I met Peephole in one of my favorite Dallas bars. Just like the venue, he was laid back, funny and outgoing. I wasn't attracted at first glance, but as the night developed so did my thoughts on him. Peephole was intelligent and artful, two of which rarely come together in one.

We had many dates, most all of which were wrapped up in drinking and talking. As time with him, increased so did my attraction to him. Peephole was out of my typical dating box, which was intoxicating. He was full of dry humor and affection toward me. I grew to love his personality.

When our relationship developed to the point of intimacy, it came with a few shocking features. Peephole was a great kisser, so I had high hopes for his sexual abilities. Shit was I wrong. It would not be a stretch to say this was worst sex of my lifetime. It was something that I endured, counting the seconds until the finish. The worst part was he only exposed his dick through the peephole in his boxers. Demented on so many levels.

Hometown Trip

2009-02-03T22:09:00.000-06:00

Early on, Traninwreck did many things to rope me in. He knew he was not a guy that I would typically date, so he made repeated attempts to show me he was real. He had a charming way about him and knew exactly what I wanted to hear, when I wanted to hear it. He never left those words unsaid. I fell hard and fast for all of his shit. Once I was in was when the relationship became extremely unhealthy.

A weekend break from Trainwreck was what I needed. Thankfully he planned to go out of town to visit his high school friends. I didn't expect to hear from him while he was north, but an unexpected call came in on Saturday. He said he had called to tell me what happened the night before. The words were dropped exactly like his.

Me: Well, what happened last night?
TW: I slept with some random girl.
Me: Ohhh really? How random are we talking?
TW: It was part of a game and it didn't mean anything to me.
Me: How random are we talking?
TW: I didn't know her, still don't know her name. She came home from the bar with us.

TW: She was nasty and it didn't mean anything.
Me: Can I hear about the game?

TW: It was a callout game. When it was her turn she said, I call out one of you men to have sex with me right now. The room was silent. No one wanted to have sex with her, so I had to do it.

Me: Soooo let me get this straight, you had sex with her because no one else would?
TW: Yes. I told her I will fuck you right here, right now in front of everyone.

There were 30 people at this party and he fucked her from behind on the sofa for everyone to watch.

TW: And can you believe out of all the guys at the party no one had a condom?
Me: I said no that is pretty unfucking believable.

The entire story was more than unbelievable. He is a sick, sick soul who I want no part of ever again.

Trainwreck and the wreck

2009-01-30T16:29:00.000-06:00

Traninwreck and I spawned a volatile relationship in the worse sense of the word. Always drinking heavily, fucking, fighting, fucking. It was invariable banter which was not sane. He was spright with words and very swift to fire them at me. Manic is the only word that sums him up, high highs and even lower lows.

After a fight filled night at the bar, we met back at my house for a few more drinks and spoke about the fight. Talking was not what Trainwreck wanted, so he was sweetly apologetic, while the entire time had ulterior motives. After party.

I am not exactly sure what happened, but I soon found myself driving drunk down I-20 to a bullshit after party where I knew no one. Tranwreck was extremely sweet to me at the party, all the while hard drinking. I did the same. Upon leaving, we were saying our goodbyes, Trainwreck looked at his friend and said, "See you later, we are going home so we can make a baby tonight." At a loss for words on this one folks.

Again, I found myself on the road too drunk to drive, going at least 80 miles an hour down I-20. The drive home was slightly more difficult than the drive there because Trainwreck was tugging at my clothes. After failed attempts of pushing him off, I fell into his trap due to all of the grouping and touching. When my pants were totally off and his fingers were inside me, Trainwreck went down on me. Yes, all the while, driving drunk at 80 miles an hour. One can only imagine the distractions, my eyes not on the road, hands far from ten and two. Before I knew it, we had slightly swerved into the side of an 18 wheeler truck.

We kept rolling down the highway to home with tire tracks running the length of my car. With Trainwreck, I had no control. Never even thought of trying to have control with him. It was crazy, insane and stupid. All of it. I loved every second of it while it was happening.

Meth Anyone?

2009-01-10T16:28:00.013-06:00

After an email exchange and many text messages, I agreed to meet up with Trainwreck. I took one of my girlfriends for backup. I did not have many memories from him in high school, but though what the hell could it hurt, I could always use another friend in Dallas.

Trainwreck was much like I remember him in high school. He was a bit over the top, even for me. We had a fun night of drinking and talking about people we knew and about situations we had in common. In many ways, I though he was a dick. Jesus, why I am always attracted to the dicks?

We made our way back to Emily's house for a few more cocktails and more in depth conversation. I don't know if it was the beer bringing out the honestly, but Emily was dishing out questions and Trainwreck was giving back shocking answers. During the interrogation, he admitted to not only be addicted to coke and meth, but also selling meth to much of my hometown. He made sure to let us know this was the past and had gotten himself out of all of it. I believed him, for reasons still unknown.

I should not have been within 500 yards of this guy without fear of getting arrested, but found myself thinking how attracted I was to him. So on the way out, he made a rather bold statement, or rather a drinking challenge. Sadly, I will never back down to that, so we made our way out of Emily's and back to my house. We drank until we saw the sun, made out and then some.

Yes, I have totally lost all good sense.

Meet Trainwreck

2008-06-11T20:43:00.004-06:00

I logged onto myspace to see this message from a guy I attended high school with.

"What's been going on? I haven't stop be to drop ya a line or two in long while, i think the last time i did, i was living in K.C. Well, i am now living in Farmers Branch TX. I just moved here 6 months ago. What have you been up to? What's the latest w/ you? You married w/ kids, engaged or what? Well, i'm just tring to make new friends in the dallas area. I just kinda hang out. Well, that's it for now. Let me know what's going on. Talk to ya later.

Trainwreck"

Random message. I was intrigued by his recent photos so I wrote back. I admit I did not know this guy well while in high school, plus had not seen him in at least 10 years. We exchanging numbers with plans to meet out for a drink.

Damn how I wish I could take that back!

His Rules

2008-06-11T19:45:00.005-06:00

The Big X and I continued our relationship up until February. The rules were the same, open relationship. There was always love between us, but no re-commitment. The answer from him was always the same, "I want to be with you but I am not ready to recommit."

His contradiction explained to me that he was a completely selfish bastard with no regard for just or fairness. Still, I continued down his path, his rules. I veered off when I was humiliated by a co-worker telling me she saw The Big X out with another girl.

After a weekend of self-torture, I confronted him, saying, "I continue to feel hurt and disrespect from you to the point I am unsure who you are. You make me feel like I am not good enough to be with you. In my heart, I know that is not true, but you constantly making me feel sub par, it is time for me to let go. It is time for me to stand up for myself. I deserve someone who wants to be with me for me and only with me."

Tears were shed.

I hope he is still crying for what he gave up and what he has lost forever.

Only Me

2007-07-21T11:08:00.001-06:00

I am sick in thinking about The Big X. My mind goes crazy. I go crazy. I have no idea what we are coming to, but I know the decision will be on me.

The situation I am in is lose lose. He is currently allowed to see as many people as he wants, but still have me in his life. He has me and the rest eating out of his palm. I am completely aware and the only one who can change this.

I am not sure a commitment is what I want. Maybe I do, but maybe The Big X isn't enough for me. Maybe he never was.

Others

2007-07-20T10:37:00.001-06:00

July 4Th was celebrated with the Big X, a baseball game, beer and fireworks. There was a hitch in the night when I noticed he was checking his phone frequently. Of course it was another girl. The other girl. Furious does not begin to describe his blatant rudeness.

We are in an open relationship, having a great time together, but with no definition. It is a ploy so neither of us have to make a hard core decision. I am unsure what I want and I know he feels the same. More simply, we are both scared because we know this is the last time. It is all or nothing.

Having an open relationship on the flip side of the coin was difficult. It hurts so bad.

Decisions

2007-07-18T17:21:00.001-06:00

Decisions. The large ones that have shaped my life so far, have always come easy. The exception is when the decisions involve the men in my life. My decisions about which college, the three degrees, the house, the car, the job were all easy ones. I took risks, which are still paying off and will continue to for the rest of my life. With all of this self assurance, why the fuck is it so hard to make decisions involving the men?

Eight years ago, when choosing to date the Big X, I didn't make the connection, but now know he is much like my dad, simple in thought and in action. The Big X is a strong person who has defined who and what he is. He is firm, laid out and set in his ways. I am unable to manipulate him in any way. The Big X never wavers, never budges. I can't get him to do anything that he doesn't want to, even it is for me.

What I hate about him is what I love about him. Does that makes a relationship more powerful or totally fucked up?

In Addition to Somewhat Accurate

2007-07-17T20:05:00.001-06:00

Ah, one more birthday celebration for me! My friend from college came into town for the night, as she was unable to make it for the first go round. We should never be allowed to go out, unattended. But I think she summed it best in Somewhat Accurate.

In a drunken haze, I tried and tried to convince Jew Boy that I was worth the drive.

Me: Did you change your mind about my birthday present?
Jew Boy: No
Me: When?
Jew Boy: Where are you?
Me: Frankie's....I would love to see you!
Jew Boy: Sorry not a good idea....too much to drink....:(
Me: What if I come there?
Jew Boy: You can't drive.
Me: Wanna Try?

Jew Boy: (after 40 minutes) What are you doing?
Me: Waiting on you?
Jew Boy: I am in bed.
Me: How long are you going to wait up on me?
Jew Boy: I will get up if you come here.

I texted the next day to tell him thanks for not letting me drive. No regrets, great night!

The Passion

2007-07-12T11:11:00.001-06:00

It is clear to me that the reason I like Jew Boy, selected to date him and have continued an ongoing, purely sexual relationship with him, is because he is everything that The Big X is not. Jew Boy and I are everything together that The Big X and I are not.

Jew Boy is exotic to me and I to him. We want each other, but don't at the the same time. There are also many reasons why we can't. Jew Boy knows that he can't have me. In fact he doesn't want me because I am too much. To exotic and bottom line, to crazy for forever. It is pure passion for both of us. That is why we each continue the exchange. The passion, not the relationship.

What Do I Get?

2007-07-10T19:04:00.001-06:00

With my inability to respond to Jew Boy on my birthday, I was feeling terrible about leaving him wondering. I send the following message.

Me: Sorry for not responding last night. It was my birthday..things got a little crazy!
Jew Boy: Happy Birthday!
Me: What are you getting me for my birthday?
Jew Boy: I don't know....what do you want?
Me: I want you.......
Jew Boy: No Response

He can't handle me. Never could.

Finally 30

2007-07-09T20:46:00.001-06:00

I found myself embracing my thirty birthday with open arms. I don't know if it had to do with the fact that age is just a number or that I am older and wiser. Actually, I think it was me knowing there was a three week celebration in order!

I was surrounded by all of my friends and as many drinks as I could handle. We were a few hours into the party when a text came from Jew Boy, asking if I was out for the night. Oh how bad I wanted to respond, but couldn't because I was with The Big X. Irony.

I had consumed enough beer for two people, but at one o'clock decided I was not drunk enough for My Birthday. So, I promptly moved to the bar and ordered a martini. I don't drink martinis or even like them for that matter, so I have no explanation other than it was my birthday.

During the last hour, I consumed three of these terrible drinks. Don't remember much after that, including telling all of my lovely guests thanks for coming. I was told the next day that I peed on someones porch on the way to the car. I am unsure what would propel me to commit such an offense. Oh right, The Martinis! Happy 30th Birthday To Me!

The Perfect Guy

2007-07-08T17:47:00.001-06:00

Since having an ongoing relationship with two men for the last two years, I have come to learn that I need both of them. They each offer different things, fulfill different needs in my life. I have determined that the perfect guy would be both of them combined.

What the shit kind of luck is that?

Reflection

2007-07-04T10:43:00.001-06:00

My journal reflects my thoughts on The Big X.

I am tired so tired. I want and deserve someone who wants to be with me. I should not have to force it. I should never have to ask.

Maybe I want more from him that he can give. That hurts.

Big Head

2007-06-30T10:41:00.001-06:00

Even though I had no recollection of the night's sex with Jew Boy, I must have done something memorable because I could barely move my body two days afterward. I send him the following email sharing my pain.

"What the fuck did you do to me.....I am so sore today I can barely walk! But regardless, I had a great time. Thanks for coming out."

Jew Boy's response:
"Ha ha.......you are very funny! I had a great time too."

My response:
"I was not trying to be funny at all......totally serious."

Missing Memory

2007-06-26T10:44:00.001-06:00

Shelly's birthday was rapidly approaching, but I can't be totally sure if I was as excited about her party as I was about the fact that Jew Boy would be near. I had spend exceptional time with The Big X lately, so I was unsure I wanted to taint those memories by seeing Jew Boy.

Typical protocol with Jew Boy was to text him late. But this night, I was so excited about the events, I called him before I even made it into the bar. I fully expected to get his voicemail, so it was strange when he answered.

Jew Boy: Hello?
Me: What are you doing?
Jew Boy: I am at a sports bar downtown with Cory. Are you in town?
Me: Oh course! It is Shelly's birthday so there is much to celebrate. You should come on over here.
Jew Boy: I don't know what we are doing for the rest of the night. We will for sure meet up before the end of the night.

All I needed to hear.

Any outsider would have thought it was my birthday watching the number of shots I consumed. It is safe to say that I was drunker than Shelly on her birthday. I was so out of my mind, I do not remember having sex with Jew Boy. BUT, judging from past experiences, I can bet he was good.

Fortunately, I had my memory back by morning.....

Do You Want Fries With That?

2007-06-23T16:15:00.001-06:00

I spent a great night out with The Big X and friends. He made me included, in tune with him. I don't know if it was his all night affection that had forced an overwhelming urge to have dirty sex with him, but I was wanting him badly.

After a long night of drinking, we stopped to get the greasiest fast food we could find at the late hour. With a line long enough to drink another twelve pack, my body decided it could wait no longer to feel The Big X. My touches started innocently enough, but quickly moved to oral sex. Please tell me again why The Big X gave me up?

By the time we finally got our food, calories were the last thing on both of our minds. We barely made it back to my driveway before we was inside me. Car sex, wow it had been a long time.

Gap

2007-06-22T22:43:00.001-06:00

The weirdest night out, the weirdest date ever. I had been talking to a new guy online for about a month, when we decided on an prompt to meeting, as I already had plans for the night. Gap agreed to meet and hang out with me and my friend.

Well into a few beers at Emily's, she wanted to see the photos of who I was meeting. How is it that all of my friends that are in a relationship think my dating life is a fun game? After viewing his photo, we discovered that the grainy guy in the photo had a huge gap between his teeth. Huge. Deal breaker.

Since it would be overly vain not to meet him after this discovery, Emily and I headed out the door with little hope. Once at the bar, I texted Gap because the crowd was so large we couldn't find his table. After the response, we scoured the place, still with no luck. During our searches, I thought I saw a guy that look like him, but he was sitting with five girls. As we walked by I smiled in his direction, but he looked the other way. I thought that maybe it was Gap and he had changed his mind about meeting me. Fine, there were plenty more where that came from!

Emily and I were actually talking with a few other guys we met, then Gap annoyingly texted me. I told him I had made the rounds, but couldn't find him, so I would keep my place at the pool table if he wanted to meet me. He knew my whereabouts, so I continued to drink and have a good time with my new found friends. It was about an hour later when The Gap finally grew the balls to come over.

He was good looking at first glance. THEN he smiled. Oh yes, there was a gap. Large enough to drive a car through.

Next. And quick.

Happy Fucking New Year

2007-06-20T19:17:00.001-06:00

Does bringing in the new year with a terrible night any indication of how the entire year will be? I have always hated New Year's Eve due to the hype it carries. This year was even worse than others.

A serious talk with The Big X was the way the night started. I wanted to address the status of our relationship before moving into a new year. I was nervous of his responses to my questions, but it had to be done. He was agreeable and open to suggestions I brought forth. It ended with me asking if he thought we could make things work. He looked at me and said I hope so. This was not a the terrible start to a new year, but it was actually the only peak of good all night.

For the night out, we had decided on a newly opened, high design venue. With this came an over scaled, sweaty crowd, in which, The Big X and I were the minority. It was almost impossible to get a drink and waiting in the bathroom line posed even more of a treat.

We had been in attendance of this acute location about three hours when I was returning back to The Big X from my second bathroom trip. As I walked out and past the dance floor, I witness a overly drunk, guy leaning against the wall. I assumed that his intake levels were at an all time high and he needed the wall in order to prop himself up. I was approximately three-quarters of the way past him when I am stunned by a noise so foul I can still hear it. Blahhhhhhhhhhh. I turned just in time to see this insanely drunk individual puck all down the side of my newly purchased outfit. Wrong place at the exact wrong time? Bad karma?

I was stunned and sickened. The Big X helped me clean up, had the intoxicated maniac kick out, got the manager to give me clothes and all the alcohol we could drink for the rest of the night. This incident should have forced us home, but when free whiskey is offered to an alcoholic, it is always taken. N0 matter the circumstances!

The worst part of the entire night was that Jew Boy texted and offered to help me bring in the New Year his style. I was stuck at a bar downtown with The Big X, puck residue on my body and drunk as shit! Happy Fucking New Year.

Not Quitting

2007-06-13T12:53:00.000-06:00

The bad part about seeing Jew Boy are the constant thoughts of him that plague me for days after we have sex. I replay it in my mind, wanting it to happen all over again. It is an obsession. I don't love him or even like him most of the time, but we have this unbelievable sexual chemistry. It is a bad drug habit and I don't know how to quit. I don't want to quit. Ever.

More and More

2007-06-11T22:01:00.001-06:00

The night started with beer, music and dirty texting. Great start to a great night. Over text, I convinced Jew Boy to come and meet me out. It was a friendly night for us, since I had not seen or really communicated with him as of late. We hugged and kissed when he arrived. He then made a sexual comment about my lips. Oh, how he likes them!

After the concert, we headed back to his house. We spend time talking. Too much in my opinion. While he was in mid-sentence, I grabbed him and starting kissing him, hard. He adjusted, then responded well. He took me by the hand and lead me to his bed. He stripped off my clothing one article at a time, then commented on how sexy I was. We had amazing sex. Perfect as usual.

Afterward, I admitted that I came over just so I could kiss him, saying, "I love to kiss you." He responded, "That is a really nice thing to say to me. I love kissing you as well." My comment made him give me more, which turned into sex, again. We finally passed out at 4:30. I slept with a smile on my face and dreamed about him.

Fair Enough

2007-06-07T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Big X called to inform me what we had old friends coming to town for a night out. Our Rock Star Friends. We selected what we thought would be an inconspicuous location for the night. As soon as we arrived, Front Man was spotted. His wife managed to fend off all the attackers and we made our way to a private table in the corner.

Great times are always present with Front Man and his wife. This night was no exception. By the end of the night, The Big X was really into Front Man, as they have been friends forever. This allowed me to speak with Front Man's wife and she admitted that The Big X told her we were working things out. Really? He neglected to tell me.

In a taxi on the way home, I turned to The Big X and said, "Do you want to know what Front Man's wife told me tonight?" He did. I rapidly moved on, "She said that we were meant to be together." He laughed and laughed. I said, "Fuck you, why is that so funny?" He responded, "It's not at all, I am just laughing because that is what Front Man said to me as well. This is a conversation that we need to have, but we are both too drunk for it right now."

Fair Enough. Always an excuse.

Maybe Now

2007-06-05T18:48:00.001-06:00

After a few insensible weeks at work, I called in sick to take a much needed day off. For me, a concert is the best way to relax. Beer and loud music, heaven. When I arrived to pick up The Big X, he didn't give me the greeting I wanted, but he looked so hot I quickly forgot. Once in the element, the affection coming from him was at an all time high.

There had been recent talks about his non-romantic state of being. I came in from outside, all of the lights were out and The Big X had lit every candle in the place. His efforts did not go unnoticed.

As we sat together in a chair that was only for one, I shared my fears with him. I gently asked him, "Out of all the girls you dated while we were apart, were there any that gave you something that I do not?" He said, "No way." I then asked, "Did any of those girls provide you with something that I can't? Because if they did or do, I am willing to walk away now, just because I want you to be totally happy." The Big X looked me in the eye and said, "No there is nothing."

Maybe now, we can move forward.

The Good Stuff

2007-06-04T16:39:00.001-06:00

I worked hard, but left early to meet Shelly and a few college friends who were in town for the weekend. I stopped by The Big X's house, but he refused my invitation for an evening out, despite probing. Next best option is always Jew Boy. I called him on the way to meet my friends with no response.

I forgot about men all night, being fed by my girls. Shelly and Stac are two of my favorite people in this world. My friendship with them is going on twelve years now. It is crazy to even say that, as time has passed so fast. I know that we will be together forever, no matter what this life throws.

I split from them at the end of the night, thinking I was on my way back to stay with The Big X. As I was walking to my car, a 1:30 AM text arrived. It was Jew Boy, who was on his way home and wanted me to meet him there. He asked where I was, I responded, "I am just leaving Woody's." His dirty mind said, "That is what I have right now." With the words that I wanted to hear, I arrived at his house within three minutes. He greeted me at the door with a hug and a kiss. I slipped into bed with him for the lights out sex I had been thinking about all week. There were very few words exchanged, but many other things were!

In the morning, we talked for a couple of hours. That is something with us that has never changed between us. We did get into somewhat of a telling conversation.

Jew Boy: Why is Shelly mad at you right now?
Me: She doesn't always like the decisions I make.
Jew Boy: Like what?
Me: Shit here we go. She doesn't like that I am here with you right now.
Jew Boy: She is just looking out for you.
Me: What the fuck is that suppose to mean?
Jew Boy: Nothing at all. She is just being a good friend to you.

We both know what our relationship is and have no expectations for it. That doesn't mean that it is easy to hear Jew Boy verbalize it to me in an after sex conversation. Total acceptance is that we like each other, but are both using each other for the good stuff. And that is OK.

Too Much To Ask?

2007-06-03T16:02:00.001-06:00

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I heard this statement recently by an intelligent source of whom I am sure knew what they were talking about. Maybe it was Oprah, shit does it really matter? My point is The Big X was hiding . He had repeatedly answered by probing questions to his dating habits as, "No, I am not dating or talking to anyone besides you."

If that were a true statement, then he should have been comfortable letting me see all of the unimportant information held in his phone. I am a serial stalker, but this time I was trying not to repeat old mistakes. As we were laying together I asked, "Let me see that phone so I can investigate how many girls you are actually talking to." The Big X told me that my request has highly unreasonable and he wouldn't do that for me under any circumstances.

Maybe it was unreasonable, but if he had nothing to hide, wouldn't he have been cleared?

Here With You

2007-06-02T16:21:00.001-06:00

Apparently I was charming enough on the first go around with The Big X and his friends that I won a second night out with the "In Crowd." Before meeting them, we had dinner out with amazing conversation. He told me that all of his friends were prepared for my arrival. I was somewhat nervous there would be forced contact with some random girl that The Big X had hooked up with while we were apart. I knew myself and was unable to trust my jealous tendencies.

My fears were unfounded. The Big X was awesome to and with me all night. He made sure I was included, but more importantly made sure I felt it. There were many kisses exchanged, along with deep stares. Genuinely he thanked me for join him, saying, "I am having such a good time tonight and it is all because you are here with me." I responded, " I am here only with you because there is still something between us. I can feel it." The Big X said, "I am here with you for the same exact reason. My feelings for you never want anywhere."

Trashy

2007-05-30T21:45:00.001-06:00

I have always been the type who loves public affection and my affection has a tendency to grow stronger with drinking. If I want to partake in a little dirty kissing show, fuck all who have a problem with it. Maybe there is a part of public affection that can be trashy, but I usually try to keep it classy for purposes of harmless, good fun.

I think I let my own rules slide a bit, the night I went to see Ted Nugent with the Big X. We were having such a fantastic time, with drinks flowing, we forgot we were surrounded by a very large, invasive crowd. Explaining a Ted Nugent crowd is impossible to do, as the adjective sleazy doesn't even begin to cover it. These people were straight out of a Texas trailer park, with the missing teeth to prove it. As our kissing began, there were comments coming in from all sides, "Yeah Boy, you go!" There were groups of cheering and support all night long.

Trashy, yes.
Fun, hell yes.

Even with all of this, we were able to have a serious conversation. The Big X explained to me, "I regret everyday that we broke up. I regret that we are not together. I think and worry about you all of the time."

Ironically, he is the only one who had the power to change it.

Introduced

2007-05-29T08:42:00.001-06:00

In an effort to reconnect with The Big X, I had been soliciting him to introduce me to the new friends he had forged while we were apart. I was overly interested, plus bothered by what he had been doing the last year without me.

With a plan in motion to take me out to meet his friends, we initially met for dinner. He was happy to see me and told me I looked hot. I was and felt it. After dinner, we went to the bar. He friends had not arrived yet, so we decided to have a drink at the bar while we waited for a table. As I traipsed toward the bar, The Big X succeeded me. I was forced to stop by the large crowd, I looked at my reflection in the mirror that was directly in front of me. Starring back at me was, of course, an image of myself, then directly behind me was Jew Boy, behind him was The Big X. Oh Fuck, the irony.

I stood frozen for at least 10 seconds contemplating what to do. There was no getting around this one, I knew it. As I turned around, I accidentally dumped into Jew Boy, as I was only seeing him in a mirror, which disrupted my depth perception. When I hit him, he was looking down and didn't know it was his fuck buddy that has just pegged him. Still without looking up, he said, "Oh I am sorry." Then finally, he looked at me and died laughing. It was bizarre that I ran into him, but it was just one in a long line of coincidental experiences between us.

I had no idea he was in town and he knew nothing about my showing, as he was on a date. We were both laughing loudly, not believing what has just happened. He said, "This is so weird." He admitted that he was on a date, but had just taken her to the car. It had gone so badly that he was coming back in for another drink before he headed home. Jew Boy noticed that The Big X was standing a few feet behind me and said, "Are you on a date." I said, "Shit no, that is The Big X." He acted like he didn't care, but all the while was extremely touchy and very flirty.

I couldn't bring myself to introduce them. What was I to say, "Since I am fucking both of you, I thought it was time that you were introduced?" Need less to say, The Big X was irritated. As we walked off, he immediately asked who Jew Boy was. I replied, "Oh he is a friend." The Big X took his stab, "He is funny looking. He is about two inches shorter than I am and looks retarded." He really shouldn't have said such things about the guy I was fucking on a regular basis!

The Big X and I made our way to the patio, far away from Jew Boy. As we talked, all I could think about was Jew Boy sitting in there alone. Oh and how bad I wanted him! I plagiarized a story about my stomach hurting in order to get back inside. The Big X bought it and I went straight to sit by Jew Boy. He seemed happy that I had returned and our conversation was great.

Me: You know not to go on blind dates that your friends set you up on.
Jew Boy: I know, they always suck. But I am still in a great mood because I shot well at golf today. Did you know I won huge money in the golf tournament that day after you stayed with me last?
Me: I am good luck. How in the hell would I know that, you only contact me when you want sex?
Jew Boy: laughing.....That is the only time you call me too. We really should talk more.

Me: Do you want to come and sit with us?
Jew Boy: Do you want me to meet him?
Me: He has a name and no you don't need to do that. Literally.
Jew Boy: We really do need to talk more. Outside of hooking up.
Me: I agree.....it is all on you.
Jew Boy: We will. Have fun tonight.

He hugged and kissed me on the cheek. Oh, how I wanted it to be on the lips. I wish I would have been without The Big X.

They were both jealous and it was a great place to be.

Did He Ever?

2007-05-28T16:45:00.001-06:00

I had been spending more and more time with The Big X. It felt normal, but with the missing link being passion. It was hard to separate how it use to be with him and the intense sexual experiences that I shared with Jew Boy. The Big X was not giving me what I needed. I couldn't remember now if he ever did.

Totally Worth It

2007-05-26T01:06:00.001-06:00

Trying to get out my rut of sharing myself with two guys who didn't appreciate me, I met and went out with Doc. I don't call him Doc, as in a respectful Doctor of Medicine, but Doc as in Doctor Marten. Yes that is right, he wore Doc Martens on our date. Seriously, I had no idea they still produced those terrible fucking shoes! More importantly, who still wore them in public? Apparently the answer to that I was stuck with, at least through dinner.

I hate to be so terrible because Doc was actually a very nice guy and cute to boot. No pun intended. He was extremely respectful and we had a night filled with laughter. While on my way to the bathroom and to sneak a secret cigarette, Jew Boy texted.

Seriously? He was two for in successfully interrupting my last two dates. Every time Jew Boy dropped from my thoughts, his presence resurfaced.

Texting started.

Jew Boy: What's up baby?
Me: Not much....having a few beers. What are you up to?
Jew Boy: Having dinner with my boss.....very horny.
Me: Can I help with that?
Jew Boy: Yes, I will call you soon.

By the time the texting ended, I was totally checked out of my date. All I could think about was the crazy sex I was about to have. I didn't feel at all guilty because after all, Doc was wearing non-shoes.

When Jew Boy showed up at my house, he didn't want to drink or even talk. All he wanted was to strip off my clothes. During some intense kissing, he stopped and looked me in the eye. He announced, "You look hot tonight." I responded, "Sexy and beautiful too. I know and thank you." He said, "I know you know. That is what is so hot." He looked good as well, but still, it he didn't compare to me. He never did.

He literally started taking off his own clothes and shortly thereafter demonstrated why his texting was no joke. Afterward, I got that chance to tell him he was completely random in his contact. He admitted that he was, but said he just wanted to see me. I asked, "Well was it worth it?" He said of course. He was too, but all I had to give up was the Doc. And his shoes.

Totally worth it.

Tired

2007-05-25T19:33:00.000-06:00

After spending time with Jew Boy and The Big X alike, I was desperately tired. My journal reflected on my thoughts.

"I am tired. Mostly of not having anyone to share my life with. I am tired of not being able to be in someone's life. I am longing for a connection and the butterflies, the unknown. I want to get to know my someone and love them for who they are. I want and need passion. I want the transfer of all things pure and real."

Someone Where Are You?

2007-05-22T10:25:00.002-06:00

If he didn't make it clear enough to me in our first conversation, Jew Boy left nothing to question this time. My journal from this time reads like this.

"I have to accept what I cannot change. I have to stop waisting time with someone who doesn't want me because there is someone out there who does. I have done everything I can. Jew Boy did serve a purpose in my life. He gave, but is through giving now. I feel it. Still, it is difficult to accept."

No More Secrets

2007-05-21T12:26:00.001-06:00

I found myself at a concert getting really drunk, having a great time and texting Jew Boy for sex. Since I had never felt comfortable being his call girl, I had him meet me out. I am not sure that he really wanted to, but he knew my rules! We drank, talked and laughed, exchanged bullshit information, fought about music. He gave me nothing besides bar conversation. No touches, no kisses.

After we had sex, we talked until five am. I am sure that I said many things that I can't remember due to my alcohol induced state. What I do remember, I should have refrained from saying. I started, "There are some things that I need to tell you regarding the relationship we once had. I was never able to emotionally be there for you because I had just gotten out of a six year relationship when I met you. You were awesome, I just didn't know how to handle you. It was all about timing and I am sorry that it was the wrong time for me." He responded, "I knew there was always something more you were not sharing. I knew, I just didn't know the details of your situation. It would have all eventually come out, but that was not what it was about. It was me, not you. Even if you had shared that with me earlier, it would not have mattered."

With the response I got, I felt better just because I was honest with him. There was now nothing he didn't know.

Long Time Coming

2007-05-20T11:36:00.001-06:00

I had been unhappy. Not just sad, but a form of depression that had been slowing taking over me for close to two years. I finally felt like I had hit rock bottom, in every regard. It had a little to do with The Big X and some to do with Jew Boy, but mostly had to do with me.

I knew that The Big X had noticed that I was not doing well, because we was calling frequently to check up on me. When he did he would ask tons a questions that I was not prepared to answer or share with him. I knew he was worried about me. Frankly, I was too.

One night, I simply shared by innermost fears and pains with him. I admitted that I didn't really know who I was and the part that I did know, I didn't necessarily like. The Big X said, "You put up lots of walls, a big front. You say you have a hard time letting people in. I see through it. You are scared of rejection." He finally admitted that the reason he walked out was because he was tired of trying to make me happy. He had tried for over three years and was simply just tired. I responded by saying, "The reason you failed to make me happy is because you can't. I am the only one that can make myself happy." He agreed with all of my thoughts on myself and was honest by telling me his.

He ended our much needed conversation by saying, "I am terribly worried about you and care for you greatly. I am in no way done with you or this relationship. You pass through my mind everyday. I care everyday."

A little Mystery Please

2007-05-19T10:57:00.001-06:00

Since I didn't offer Patrick a fair chance the first night I met him, I decided to go out with him again. I met him at his house and had a few beers before going out. We had good, but serious conversation. He wasn't uptight, but there were not enough laughs for me. Sarcasm did not seem to be a term in his vocabulary. He was very cute, successful and met all other criteria. But there wasn't that initial overwhelming sexual attraction.

We returned to his house and listened to music. We started making out on the sofa. He was good, much like Jew Boy. He told me repeatedly how great of a kisser I was and how he could do it forever. I didn't have the desire to have any kind of sexual relations with him, so I made my way home.

As I was driving, but no where near home yet, Patrick sent a text message. "I had a good time tonight and want to see you again soon. I miss you already."

Maybe it was the bitch in me, but I was irritated by his message. No breathing time. No time to come down from where we had just been and he was already talking about seeing me again. For me, there has to be some sort of build up. Something unknown, a little mystery. With Patrick, that didn't exist.

Our Usual

2007-05-18T19:20:00.001-06:00

As I was getting ready to go out on a first date with Patrick, Jew Boy called. When I was not thinking about him is when he surfaced. He was in the arena for the Big 12 Tournament with all of his friends. He made the call to talked shit to me because our teams were about to play each other. We fired back and forth at each other with much flirting. He said, "Well maybe you will see me later."

Jew Boy couldn't resist calling me after the game because my team lost. I answered saying, "I don't know if I want to take this call or not." He laughed and promised to me nice. He really just wanted to know if I want going out. I was with Patrick, but I didn't tell him that. I just said of course I am. He told me to call him later.

I met Patrick at a cool spot in Uptown. He was good looking, but a bit arrogant. He seemed really nervous and talked about himself a lot. There was were tons of red flags flying as he spoke about his X. Not normal.

As soon as Patrick got up to go to the bathroom, I texted Jew Boy to see if the last game was over yet. He didn't reply but called back. I couldn't answer with Patrick right beside me, so I escaped to the restroom. He said that he was driving back to Ft. Worth because after one beer his friends wanted to go home. I asked where they were. He said, "Quaterbar." Really? That is where I was. Patrick and I were sitting outside, so there was not a chance in hell that Jew Boy didn't see us. That is exactly why he didn't call me! I played stupid and said, "No shit, because that is where I am right now and have been all night. I said did you see me?" He said, "No if I had, I would be there with you right now." Bullshit, he saw me with another guy. I told him that I was out with an old friend from college. Even though he was almost home, he agreed to turn around and come back to my house.

I ended my date with Patrick and made my way home to play with Jew Boy. We listened to music and drank. And then Our Usual.

Not Finished Yet

2007-05-17T19:13:00.001-06:00

I was on my way back from a night out with some friends, when Turtleneck texted and asked me to come to a party. I was reluctant as it was already 2:00 in the morning, but his accent had a way of getting me to do things that I wouldn't normally do.

When I arrived, I was unsure if I was an adult party or some strange teenage orgy fest. The cops could have busted down the door at any time and made many underage arrests. For that I was scared, so I drank. It is a good thing that Turtleneck looked sexy because along with the party sistation, his friends were super dorks. I had a particular problem with his friend with the floating eye. It was strange to talk to him because I had no idea where to look. Besides the floater, he was all hyped up on himself. I can only here about what kind of car a person drives for so long.

Since Turtleneck and his two friends were only persons of age, I retreated to taking to just Turtleneck. He kept getting close to me and whispering (with that accent) sexy notions in my ear. I was in lust so I took him back to my house. First we made out on the sofa, then I led him to my room. While we made out, he told he how beautiful I was and said that he wanted to sleep with me. I was into it and wanted to see if he really had a turtleneck! As I understand, most German men do and it was something that I was yet to experience.

With all that had been exchanged between us, I was thinking it would be good. It started out that way, but then things went south, literally. He blamed it on drinking too much. I must say, that I have slept with many drunk guys in my time and not a one has had a problem like this. Turtleneck made sure to say it wasn't me. Damn right fucker, you are the one with the serious problem.

All together it was a bad situation that I wish would have never happened. Oh and for the record, there was no turtleneck. Fuck, all of that for nothing.

Dirty Texting Commences

2007-05-15T10:49:00.000-06:00

After a bad date, I came home to relax, when the texting started.

Jew Boy: Lots of Coors Light for me tonight. (who says this?)
Me: Nice to know...me too. Where are you going, you might run into me?
Jew Boy: Looks like Wee Lounge in Ft. Worth. I dare you to come here.
Jew Boy: You know it's worth it.
Me: Oh yes I do, but it's your turn to come here.
Jew Boy: I know but have been drinking since 4, can't drive there.
Me: Bad excuse. Again you know it is worth it.

Thirty minutes pass.

Jew Boy: Are you on your way?
Me: Ah....no. I thought you agreed to come here. And I mean that literally.

Several hours pass.

Jew Boy: I know it's worth it, but I am at home now and going to bed.
Me: At least you know that much! Good night sexy.
Jew Boy: Smooch.

I laughed out loud because I love a little dirty texting!

The Accent

2007-05-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

At a very trendy loft space downtown, I met Turtleneck for a second date. It was telling to see where and how he lived. I was impressed with his selections, as bachelor pads usually scare the shit out of me. This guy he did actually have some style.

We made our way to the bar for drinks. I was in a good environment with a super smart, hot German guy. What could be better? We exchanged conversation about our differences and the many things that we had in common. He was easy to talk to, while being overly interested in me. He spend time telling me I was beautiful. I said, "What about hot?" He said well that is apparent too. It was much better when he said it with that accent!

He kissed me goodbye at the end of the night. He was a good kisser. Still not Jew Boy status! But then again, Jew Boy didn't have that accent!

German Men

2007-05-13T10:57:00.001-06:00

After weeks of talking to German Marc (or Turtleneck, as I will now refer to him) we met for coffee. I don't like coffee and never drink it, but Turtleneck was so hot online that I made an acceptation to consume something other than Coors Light or Diet Coke! When I arrived, he was not there yet. I assumed he was trying to find the perfect parking place for his very German Porsche.

When he walked into Starbucks, I knew it was him because there was nothing American about him, which was so hot. Turtleneck was tall and very dark with a style that could show me up! When he opened his mouth, I fell to my knees because I wanted to eat him up with his amazing accent. I am not sure that I paid much attention to what he said for the first hour. I just wanted to hear him talk. Anything that came out of his mouth was sexy!

Our coffee shop date, turned into four hours and dinner at another location. When it ended, I was already ready to see him again. Just what I needed, another Jewish guy. Right.

Our Picture

2007-05-12T11:55:00.000-06:00

When I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed that the frame that I got Jew Boy for "Christmas" was laying face down. What the fuck? When I gave it to him, it had a photo of us in it. I wanted to pick it up too see if he had replaced the photo with a new one. I didn't because I thought he would hear me milling around in his personal items. If it was replaced, I do understand. If the photo of the two of us was still in there, why place it face down?

I do not deserve to be face down on any table. Ever.

Wondering About Fate

2007-05-10T13:46:00.001-06:00

In the passing weeks, there were a few loose phone calls with Jew Boy. They were difficult for me, while trying to make sense of everything, but I was happy to hear his voice. It was great to laugh with him again. The calls were completely platonic, even after the offer of a friends with benefits relationship. If free sex was not something he was going to act on, I had really fucked up something good!

It was Shelly's birthday and we were going to blow out her 29th appropriately. During our dinner in Ft. Worth, the topic of Jew Boy came up. Shelly made it clear that she did not want me to call or text him later in the night. I laughed and said of course not, but all the while scheming what my text to him would be.

After dinner, we were off to the newest bar in the town. We had only been there for a few minutes, when I looked down to adjust my jacket. As I looked up, Jew Boy was walking toward me. If I hadn't been already starring, I would have done a double take. I said what the fuck are you doing here as I hugged him. We mentioned that he was making the rounds to look for his friends when he saw me. I did want to see him, but I swear that I had not sent any messages on the way to the bar. It was unexpected, chance meeting that makes me wonder about fate.

Since both of us were in shock, we made small talk at first, but quickly moved into more interesting conversation. He said that it was very strange to run into me like this, weird in fact. He said these are the times when he believes in fate. I am glad he made that connection because it was all that was running through my head.

Jew Boy: I thought I might run into one of my x-girlfriends tonight.
Me: Sorry to disappoint, you get me instead.
Jew Boy: I am glad it was you.
Me: WOW.

We talked to his friends for a few moments, but they ventured off, while he hung out with me the entire night. At dinner, he said that his friend had mentioned that he was going to run into me soon. He told me that they asked about me all of the time, because they really liked me. I said, well once people meet me that is the normal reaction. He said, "I still do too."

We hung out with my friends, as his friends took his car home. He was at my mercy, so I knew I could say anything I needed because I was his ride home! He mentioned that he still had some Coors Light at his house and no one had touched it since I had last visited. After trying to convince me in many other ways to come and be his fuck buddy, I replied, maybe. Oh, I knew I was going, as it was all I had wanted all night, but I wanted him to think he was not big deal to me.

We had a great time together. It was the best night I had ever spend with him. He felt different, less reserved. He was not trying to impress me, he was being himself. There was nothing to hide, everything was out on the table. It felt right.

I sat down in a booth, but with my legs facing outward toward Jew Boy. He walked up and stood over me, telling he how hard I made him. He leaned down and kissed me two separate times. They were passionate, real and oh so hot. Since I had him in a venerable position, I took the opportunity to ask him about his lame response to my heartfelt letter. He said, "I was taken down by it and really didn't know what to say. It was loving, real and true as it was from the heart. I had never heard those things from anyone in my life and am grateful that you shared them with me."

On that note, we left the bar. There was music, dim lights and lots of kissing. There wasn't much talking, but only hot sex. He said that he was glad he ran into me. I bet he was!

My State

2007-05-09T10:57:00.000-06:00

Confusion. Pure and utter confusion was my state after sleeping with the Big X. Overall, I didn't know what I was feeling, but I did realize that my feelings for him had changed in the seven months we had been apart. Everything with him was so easy and I did miss him. But at the same time, he had hurt me so bad, there was a part of me that had written him off. Written us off. It felt different.

I needed to meet new guys, not The Big X, not Jew Boy, but new guys! I had many perspective dates, but it seemed like something was wrong with each of them. Either they were too desperate or not interested enough. For fuck's sake, can't I just get some kind of balance here?

Not Jew Boy Status

2007-05-07T18:51:00.000-06:00

I offered to take the Big X out for his thirtieth birthday because he had no plans. Yes, of course, it was an honorable action, but I was doing it more for me than for him. I needed to test myself to see what I was still feeling, if anything.

I wasn't terribly excited about our plans, but we went to a nice dinner venue. We had a great and relaxed dinner, despite his phone ringing every thirty seconds. Apparently, everyone on the planet felt they needed to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't recall him having this many friends when we were together.

After the meal, we made our way to the bar for birthday cocktails. By some strange coincidence, his friends were there. He made his most telling moved of the night by introducing me to them and then saying that he wanted to spend the night hanging out with me. We made our way to the corner of the bar and sat by the fire. Out conversation consisted of everything, but only in general. No words were exchanged about us or our relationship. Well, except for when my boob popped out of my shirt, but that is a whole other story!

Toward the end of the night, he got more affectionate and seemed totally into me. It might have had something to do with the amount of beer we consumed or maybe it was the boob slippage. Hard to say, but we did have a good time. We returned to my house at the bar closing and started making out on the sofa. It eventually lead to the bedroom and a full blown sexual escapade. It was good, but for sure not Jew Boy status.

Learning

2007-05-06T18:16:00.000-06:00

I had spent less and less time deliberating over the Big X, as I was trying to move past Jew Boy. I has having a dull night when I dialed The Big X to share with him the details of my recent date. It was not to gloat, but a serious situation in which I almost got hurt, badly. Without going into grave detail here, I went out with a guy that treated me so poorly that I could have filed charges on him.

After sharing the story with The Big X, he immediately put the phone down and headed over. He was highly distraught and genuinely worried about me. We talked for a hours about all of the details. He said if he saw the boy who hurt me, he might go to jail for beating him. When I asked why he came over, he told me it was because he loved me so much.

I let him stay over. There were kisses exchanged, but that was it. He acted as if he wanted sex with me, but never acted on it. It was almost as if he didn't expect to be in that situation and hadn't thought about what he would do if he were.

Missing His Touch

2007-05-03T20:02:00.001-06:00

I had been meeting a few other people, but still missing Jew Boy badly. My journal explains.

"I miss spending time with Jew Boy, but the sexual part is what I am missing the very most. We connected on the highest level, like I never had before. I want that. I do miss talking to him. I miss his gentleness with me and his kisses. His touch in general. There were so many things that weren't right, but that so was."

It Was All Him

2007-05-01T17:01:00.001-06:00

As I started to put one foot in front of the other came the inevitable analyzing of Jew Boy. Holding the burden of "there is just something missing" with a tough one to bear. I took me a long time to realize this was not my issue, but his.

There are deep seeded issues within him, not at all to do with commitment, but with confidence. He is searching for a feeling. This feeling is not for the girl in which he is looking. The feeling is about filling himself up in a way that he doesn't feel for himself. He is not happy alone. He is not whole and not complete, so how could he ever give himself to me?

What he has yet to learn is that it is not about a feeling, it is about character which gives those feelings. He needs to define the character or he will never fine the feeling. Searching for an intangible seems like a very lonely search. Impossible in fact.

I did many wrongs in this relationship. There are many things that I wish could have been different. But I take solace in the fact, that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. It was not me, it was him.

I also take solace in knowing what he had in me, is the best he will ever get.

If Only As a Friend

2007-04-30T15:52:00.001-06:00

I liked Jew Boy more than I even wanted to admit to myself. He was unlike any other guy I had dated, so I was drawn to him. He gave me more than I deserved, as many times I was unable to reciprocate because I was half with him and half with The Big X. I decided after a week that I still needed him in my life, if as only a friend. I also felt there were issues that I needed to explain to him. I sent him the following email.

"Oh Hello There! I am writing to clarify issues that I am unsure came across to you in the conversation we had this week. First off, I want to thank you for being so open and honest with me. I feel there are few people that could have handled that situation as well as you did. Because of that, I feel compelled to do the same, as there are things I want to make sure have you know.

You are genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met. You have an insane ability to make people smile (including me, which is not always easy to do)! You have an admirable character that comes through in all that you do. You know who you are and people like me are able to see and respect that. You are able to deal with people and difficult situations with an ease that we all wish we had.

I want to thank you for all that you did for me. You treated me as well anyone ever has. You were able to show me things about myself that I did not know. For that I am grateful. There is one thing that I am compelled to say sorry for and that is not giving you 100 percent of me. What you saw was real and true, it was just not all I could give. There are issues within myself which enabled me not to always to there emotionally.

I now have had time to analyze the situation. The bottom line is I do want to stay friends with you. I want you to know that my hesitation to answer this question over the phone was me being selfish and trying to protect myself. The reality is there is nothing to protect myself from because you told me exactly how you feel, so there could never be any expectations coming from me. If your offer still stands.....I would like to remain friends?

I do not mind if you call, in fact I would love to hear from you anytime. Hell maybe we could even do dinner or drinks (or a concert if you are having withdrawals) as friends do.....benefits.....it is all up to you. Oh, please treasure and listen to my cds (often), as they were a gift from the heart!! (Sorry I could not make it through this without trying to make you laugh)! I hope to hear from you."

Confused

2007-04-29T17:15:00.000-06:00

And just like that, another broken heart. I was desperately upset and even more confused. Not only confused by Jew Boy but confused by my own feelings and thoughts.

I knew that part of my pain was due to the fact that I have never fully gotten over the loss of the Big X. The situation with Jew Boy brought these feelings back, only stronger and harder this time. I had no other choice now, but to deal with both situations head on.

Over

2007-04-28T11:21:00.001-06:00

I got the answer to all of the questions that I had been analyzing over the last months. It was over. Jew Boy was no longer. It played out by him finally calling after a few days of hibernation. I knew there was something wrong, it was in his voice. He told me that he felt terrible for the way that he had been treating me. Not calling and being distant. He acknowledged that he had never shared his feelings for me and it was time that he did.

He started, " I like you. I think you are amazing in all that you are. I love being with you, talking to you and have a great time every time we are together. You are everything that I have ever wanted. I have been in a hole the last week trying to figure out exactly how I feel about you. I have concluded that there is 'something' missing. There is a feeling that is missing for me, one that I have felt before in a previous relationship. It is not there with you. I am not all I can be when I am with you. You are not getting all of me because I am not giving it to you. It is not tangible, not explainable."

I sat in silence, part of me stunned, the other half knew it was coming. He continued, "I knew when you wanted me to meet your sister, that you were serious about me. It was then that I realized that you had not even met my parents. This is not normal for me. I am telling you all of this because you have always been open with me and I don't want to mislead you. At some point, I feel it is necessary to evaluate a relationship and decide to take it to the next level or not. This one is not there for me."

Next, he asked if we could still be friends because he didn't want to lose me from his life. I told him that I thought it would be too difficult on me because of how emotionally involved I was. He admitted that he was too, and said he didn't what to hurt me even more, so he would proceed however I wanted. I explained that the sexual attraction would be too much to overcome if we met in person. He agreed with that, but said that he wanted me to call anytime I wanted. He said, "I will always take your calls because I think of you fondly. I will miss going out with you and talking to you. I will miss you."

I sat in silence.

Downward

2007-04-26T16:32:00.000-06:00

I was having a hard time making sense of the talk with Jew Boy. What I did know that regardless of how busy he was, he could find the time to talk to me if he wanted to. All of the babble about work related stress was bullshit. My journal reflects.

"If he wanted to be my boyfriend, he already would be. When this relationship first started, he did exactly as he wanted by seeing me every weekend. Now he is still doing exactly what he wants by backing off. I am not going to pressure him, but I am not going on on any limbs either. If I have scared him in the last week, then this is not the same for him as it is for me."

Missing Talk

2007-04-25T18:51:00.001-06:00

I had to stop analyzing the situation with Jew Boy. I needed to drink! I went out with friends and inevitability started talking about him. In a drunken state, I sent him a text. All it said was.......;). I was in some ways being a dick, due to the winking that took place earlier in the week.

Jew Boy: "What are you doing? I am at J's.

Really, J's was in Dallas. I was also in Dallas, but he didn't bother to let me know he was near. I was furious when he called. He explained that his friends were having people over, but it was last second so he didn't have time to call. What about calling on the hour drive to Dallas, fucker? The conversation moved forward.

Me: There was no time for you to call? I don't buy it.
Jew Boy: Where are you?
Me: At a party.
Jew Boy: Well, is there a party at your house later?
Me: Ahhhh No.
Jew Boy: I thought you might have some Coors Light. (he meant pussy)
Me: Oh, there is, but it is not for you. Are you sleeping on J's couch?
Jew Boy: I was hoping to sleep with you.
Me: You can come over, but where you sleep depends on how you answer my questions. You might be sleeping in your car.
Jew Boy: It is worth risking it to see you. (he meant fuck you)

He arrived at my house not too long after our call ended. Our next words were exchanged like this.

Me: I don't know what you think, but this is not a booty call.
Jew Boy: I know that about you. I will sleep on the couch tonight.
Me: You might. Why didn't I know you were in Dallas tonight?
Jew Boy: I played golf today and had no plans for tonight. J called at eight and asked me to come over. I just went because I had nothing else to do. I wanted to just be with my friends tonight. Is that not ok with you?
Me: Of course, but I don't believe that because you wouldn't be with me right now, if you wanted to hang out with them.
Jew Boy: True.
Me: Would I have even known you were here had I not texted you?
Jew Boy: Probably not, but I would have told you the next time we talked.

Me: Why didn't you call all week?
Jew Boy: Work is so stressful right now. There is a lot going on that I don't want to burden you with. I am just busy.
Me: Well, I don't want to become a burden on your time.
Jew Boy: You are not and won't ever be. Don't say that. If you wanted to talk to me why didn't you call? Don't wonder or get mad at me, just call me.
Me: I guess I should have and I will.

Jew Boy: Not to be rude, but not everything is about you. This week was not about you. I was too busy for it to be.
Me: Wow! My bottom line for all of this is, I missed talking to you.
Jew Boy: Ahhhh, you are so sweet.

We then starting kissing and had amazing, some-what makeup sex. There were few words exchanged. I had said everything to him and him to me.

I Know This Is Bad

2007-04-24T18:58:00.001-06:00

After our talk, I couldn't catch Jew Boy online, but I got no call from him either. A few days turned into almost a week. My heart was sinking. My journal reflects what I was feeling best.

"I need him to explain what he is feeling, regardless of what it is. What is this for him? What am I to him? This is a conversation that he should have addressed already. I need it to come out. I want someone who wants to be with me for me. I deserve that much."

Again Still Trolling

2007-04-23T19:01:00.001-06:00

With all of the recent downed events, I was still hoping that the relationship with Jew Boy would work out. We had an amazing connection, sexual and otherwise. Something that I deemed real. With all of this said, there was still the issue of him constantly being "Online Now" trolling for other women.

The website where we met granted me the ability to view his online practices. I will admit that I had a slight obsession of checking up on him. I wanted to know what he was doing and who he was doing it with. It seemed that his online frequencies had increased over time. I was irritated, but more than than that I was hurt. When I would visit the site to see that his profile was online, a knot would develop in the pit of my stomach. It made me terribly weak. And furious.

I had to address this issue with him, I just didn't know how. After pondering over the situation and viewing his habits, I decided to send him a "wink." (This site allows their customers to show interest in someone by winking at them). I recognized this would get my point across, but still in a subtle way. There might have been a more mature action plan for the confrontation, but fuck he wasn't exactly in that mode either.

When I got to work, I logged onto the site. Bam, he was online right then, so with trepidation, I winked. I wanted him to see it in the early morning and think about it all day. I don't know if I accomplished just that, but he did respond to me through my regular email account. All it said was 'why are you winking at me?' By this short response, I figured he was pissed. This is not exactly what I had intended to do, but I did want his attention.

To be fair, I called him and made it all into a light hearted joke. I started, "I got your email today and decided to call and answer your question." He laughed and said, "Why were you winking at me?" Like he didn't know? I replied, "Because you are a sexy bitch and you looked like you would be good in bed!"

He knew what I wanted, so he openly started talking this trolling habits. He admitted to checking the site everyday, but just out of curiosity. Really? He was frank with me, but I am not sure entirely honest. I felt compelled to acknowledge that the real reason I winked was to relieve tension. We both knew that each other were still on the site, but we had always outright avoided the topic.

After exchanging stories and our thoughts on our dating experiences, he said that he had not met any other girls after we starting seeing each other, but had a few short exchanges online, that never left the computer. I said, "Well, I don't know what you are looking for on there, but you will never find anyone better than me." At first, he only laughed at my very honest comment, but then admitted that he knew that. At least the fucker knew that much.

Really Not Funny

2007-04-21T17:04:00.001-06:00

No call back nothing. The next day he texted, relativity late. It read, 'Dinner later....playing golf.' I gave him the invariable courtesy he gave me the night before. I did not respond. My plan was to to lie, to tell him no, I had plans. This went well in my mind, until he called. Was there a reason I should sit at home by myself, when I could have free dinner, drinks and sex? I felt I didn't need to make my point that bad!

When Jew Boy arrived, there was no kiss, no you look hot or the like. This should have been an indication of how the night would end, but I chose to remain naive. At dinner, there was a strong exchange of conversation between his friends and I. They were interested in me and I in them. There were times during the night when apparently Jew Boy thought I had lost the ability to speak for myself, answering questions for me. Dick.

When it came time to pay for the meal, he informed me that he forgot his card. Really fucker? He had inched out onto some kind of limb and believed this would be a comical joke to employ in front of his friends. Not really, no laughs here. Actually, the only half-way amusing part was, I would have been glad to pay for any outing because he had always made treating me a priority. I didn't get the joke, didn't think it was funny in the least, but Jew Boy appeared to get his needed laugh.

The night continued to move in the direction of downhill, as we moved from the restaurant to the bar. We were forced to sit close, but there was no touching or laughing. There were only a few self-absorbed comments, referring to how cool he was and how everything I liked generally sucked. It was in these moments when I found Jew Boy not only shallow, but extremely immature for an over thirty male. When the group was leaving, Jew Boy didn't bother to ask if I was ready, we just left. Apparently courtesy was too much to ask for this night. I wasn't ready to go, I wanted to more to drink. I needed to drown him away, at least for the night.

I continued my drinking ritual when back at my house. When I extended the offer to him, he didn't want anymore saying, "I am done for the night, do you have a problem with me not drinking?" Actually, I did have a problem, but it had absolutely nothing to do with drinking or not.

I laid it all out telling him the night was terrible for me due to his stupid fucking jokes and complete lack of compassion. He said that I had apparently misunderstood. Like I didn't have enough intelligence to determine clues from his shallow personality? He continued saying that he was not making fun of me, just having fun with me. That was a very fine line. One that I felt he crossed all night, on purpose. I ended the conversation by saying he seemed disinterested in me all night. He explained that was not true, "I was just tired."

Really? Is that the same type of excuse as "I have a headache?" Apparently not because we did have sex.

What's Up

2007-04-20T08:35:00.000-06:00

I conversed with Jew Boy only a hand-full of times after our long weekend. The exchanges were erratic, almost forced. He frequently started our once powerful conversations, with "what's up?", turning from strong romancer to friend. Not a good friend, just a friend. Highly personal jabs at my character were his new found tools. He became increasingly hard to talk to and overtly self-absorbed.

I remember one call he made from his friends' house, but then proceeded to talk to them instead of me. I finally said, "Are you talking to me?" He said no. I responded, "Well, call me back when you are."

I hated the direction we were going. It was out of control, but not in my hands.

Meeting the Fam

2007-04-18T21:18:00.000-06:00

I was filled with excitement as the visit of my sister was nearing and I felt it was time Jew Boy made her connection. Not my family, just her. When I asked, he said, "Of course," but immediately acted disinterested. I said, "This is not the family, there is no pressure. I would love for you to go out with us, but don't feel obligated." His meek response was thank you. Feeling unsatisfied, I continued to push, "Well you think about it." I gave him a short three seconds, then asked how long he planned on thinking. He busted out laughing and said, "I will meet your sister."

In his head, I think there was an underlying Fuck That.

On and On

2007-04-17T22:48:00.001-06:00

Since I hadn't seen or really spoken to Jew Boy, we made plans to see each other for several nights in a row. There was nothing magical about the number three, it was just how things evolved.

Night #1
Since there had been some distance between us, due to the holidays, I was super excited to see Jew Boy and the concert we had been planning for. We first proceeded to dinner with two of his friends that he had been craving me to meet. The girl of the group and I graduated from the same college, so Jew Boy acted as if we were separated at birth. Make no mistake, I did like her, but I held back because through talking to Jew Boy, I learned that she knew The Big X. Luckily and to my surprise, the topic never came to fruition. I am sure Jew Boy got the dirt before the dinner, but if so, he didn't have enough balls to speak a word of it to me.

The concert was great, but Jew Boy, even better. There was lots of touching, flirting and kissing. I did observe that he was quiet at times. I chalked it up to him being a bit out of his element. I did know every song by heart, was singing loudly and drank enough to kill a small child!

After the concert, we went back to his house and had great sex. During the first couple of minutes of penetration, he looked down into my eyes and softly said, "I did miss you." Maybe he did miss me or maybe it was just the fact that he had not jacked off for five days!

Night #2
We woke up early and laid together for hours giving each other full body massages. He had previously asked me to stay and spend the day with him. For some reason, I was utterly uncomfortable with the idea. There were only a handful of times then we had hung out during the day, even fewer times without liquor. I recognized he wanted me too, but I couldn't parent the sacrifice. I don't have an answer as to why. I should have.

I returned to his house for dinner and another night out. Dinner was nice, but concert number two was even better! The affection from the previous night seemed to have faded, but there was lots of conversing. We talked and laughed all night long.

We spend the night at his parents house because he was 'dog sitting.' This was awkward for me because I couldn't pick his parents out of a lineup, but I was forced into staying among their possessions. When we arrived, Jew Boy gave me a tour. All I will say is it was impressive. Oh, and the sex was great too!

Night #3
I woke up to him cooking me breakfast. He was a bit quiet, I was hungover and frankly, tired of trying to make him talk. I said fuck it. We ate in what seemed like eternal silence, then I went home.

Again, I returned to his house to go out with his friends for New Years Eve. I had mixed feelings about spending the momentous night without my friends, but I wanted to be with Jew Boy. Do I dare say that the party was lame and the people sucked balls? Well fuck, thirty and forty years old performing karaoke is not my kind of fun. I stayed, felt alone, so I drank. Drank. Drank.

I got one New Years Kiss, then we left shortly after. Normally, I would have been pissed to leave a party so early, hell with my friends it would just be getting started, but these were not my friends and it for sure was not our party!

We went back to his house to drink alone. I was fine with it because at least I was away from all of the freak friends! Well, I was fine until Jew Boy stopped drinking. Fucking shit. This only added to my previous annoyances from the night. He was non-loving, non-sharing and for sure, non-affectionate. I went out to smoke, shed a tear and then spoke the words out loud, "What the fuck I am doing?" Jew Boy knew I was annoyed and questioned why I seemed angry. I told him I wasn't at all. I lied.

He woke up early, but let me sleep. I heard him leave, but he returned with breakfast for two. It was a sweet gesture after how the night played out. We had amazing sex and then breakfast. I made him cum hard. This part of him was my drug and I was beyond addicted.

Missing Me

2007-04-14T12:41:00.000-06:00

I hadn't seen or talked to Jew Boy in a few days, so in a drunkin stupor, I dispatched a desperate text.

Me: "Do you miss me yet?"

No Response. No Response for over thirty minutes. My phone finally rang. I quickly said, "Are you not going to respond my text?" He replied, "I just did by calling you. I would never respond to a message like that with another message. And yes, of course, I miss you."

We spoke about our upcoming plans to see a much anticipated concert. I asked if he was excited about the show. "I am excited to see you," he was frank.

Big Evening, Big X

2007-04-11T09:48:00.000-06:00

The big soiree with The Big X was finally near. I knew that he had been feeling identical pain about being apart for the first Christmas in six years. The plan was for the night to be our typical Christmas celebration, without actually admitting it to ourselves or each other. I agreed to go with him, knowing it would be terribly insensible to my heart.

When he arrived to pick me up, he came bearing gifts. The card read," I love you very much and I miss you." The presents were totally unexpected and once opened, made me feel terrible because I had nothing to give in return. I should not have felt bad, he owed me, not in the way of gifts, but an explanation of his earlier actions.

We went to dinner and a movie, nothing to set fireworks off about, but a feeling of assurance that this relationship was not dead. The conversation flowed as it always did. We laughed uncontrollably. The only unbelievable part about the night was that we were not actually together anymore.

When he dropped me off, he kissed me. We hugged for what seemed like forever. There were tears in his eyes. Mine were welling inside. He said, "I miss you more than you know." He tasted that I was upset, so he asked if I needed anything. I said no. What I really needed was for him to turn back time, to change this situation that he put us in.

His Personality

2007-04-09T09:08:00.001-06:00

An explanation eventually transpired as to why Jew Boy never over asked questions or probed me for answers on any topic. With a highly laid-back personality, he thought that building a relationship was about letting things happen and unfold, therefor develop. We had open communication, in the way of me being able to ask anything, anytime. He was always free and honest with his answers, but never reciprocated in giving me the same type of quizzes. This drove me crazy by making me believe that he just wasn't that into me. He was intelligent and overly observant, but in a quiet way, so maybe he knew more than I gave him credit for.

Moving slowly was a product of him. His personality. I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, if he had been any other way. At the same time, I hated that he didn't push. I wanted just a little more than what I got.

Is simply "letting things evolve" the way this life is suppose to happen? This is not my outlook. I am unable to sit back and let some other power take over my life. In whatever I am doing, I feel an overwhelming drive to always be in control, a product of being highly driven. How will I ever learn if it is right, if I don't ask the questions? If I don't push, will I ever get what I want?

Maybe this is irrational thinking. Maybe it is who I am. There are times when I wish I could be more laid back. But then again, would I be where I am today if I were more laid back? The circle continues.

Sensual and Real

2007-04-08T10:30:00.000-06:00

I was nervous as I was on the phone making plans with Jew Boy. A real date, a real restaurant and all of the pressure that goes with that. I was constantly nervous when I was around him because I felt pressure to impress him. I thought I was out of his league and felt the need to show him that every time we were together. Aside from my self-absorbed tendencies and inflated ego, the night consisted of great food, great drink and even better conversation.

As we were preparing to leave, I looked down and bent over to grab my purse. As I looked up, words spilling out of my month, Jew Boy shut me up quickly with a passionate real kiss. It was totally unexpected, somewhat forced, but sensual and oh so real. A memory so strong in my mind that I could never forget the way it happened. Perfection. As I walked out of the restaurant in front of him, he grabbed me from behind and took us home.

As I was getting into "something more comfortable," his hands clenched me and stripped me nude. He spun me around so that my back was accessible to him. I thought he was going to bend me over, but instead he put his hands all over and kissed me on every part of my neck. He kept repeating, "You are so sexy." During sex, he told me I felt amazing. He did too.

Blinded by the Sex

2007-04-07T18:05:00.001-06:00

I didn't have an issue with Jew Boy being Jewish. I was open to any and all ideas, but I was unsure that he was as open as I. My writings read like the confused sole I was.

"With the bombshell, I don't know if I could imagine my life with him. I do like him, but I need to decide if I can moved forward with this or if we need to be cut off. He is very different from me in his habits and in his likes. He treats me well and lets me be center stage. Everything is easy with and for him, but we grew up very differently. I don't know if he understands how much so. I do and it scares me. I know this answers will come in time. For now, I am excited to see him tomorrow and for that great sexual chemistry that we have. I never want that to go away."

I have a problem opening my eyes when I am in a relationship. I have a tendency to move forward blindly, unable to critically analyze my situation. If I had been able to do that with Jew Boy, I would have had my answer to many of my questions. It seems from the writings, I was ignoring way too many issues that were never going away. Maybe this time, I was blinded by the sex. Ah, the sex.

To Buy or Not to Buy

2007-04-06T11:54:00.001-06:00

Christmas is always a strange topic of conversation when in a new relationship. To buy or not to buy. Then, when a gift exchange has been decided upon, there is the overwhelming pressure of what to get.

It was a lame lead in, with Jew Boy questioning if I had all of my shopping complete. He said he was out buying a present for this mom, when he thought of me and wondered if we were going to exchange "gifts." To tell the truth, the thought was yet to cross my mind. He said it was something that he wanted to do for me. Then continuing on, he spelled out that it really would not be a "Christmas Gift" because he didn't celebrate Christmas. I probed. He admitted, "I am Jewish." I know I reacted as shocked as I was. He said he thought that I already knew.

Really, how is that, because you were upfront about it in your profile? Because you had a lack of lit reindeer in your front yard? Or maybe it was your non obvious Jewish last name. Come on, we live in the middle of the Bible Belt. I had no clue. Maybe my unknowing was due to my lack of religious education, but it could have also been the fact that Jew Boy did not speak a word of Jewishness since we met.

In an instant, Jew Boy turned from sex god into a Rabbi, giving me a crash course in Judaism. At a rapid pace, my brain was absorbing information related to everything from Jewish tradition to The Holocaust. He was deep into it and so was his family.

The questions were piling up so fast I had no idea where to start. With the obvious, was a good place. I wondered if he was "allowed" not only by the religion, but by his family to date a Non-Jewish girl. His answer was a bit vague, saying, "Let me put it to you this way, my dad has married two women, neither of which were Jewish. They both converted." Great we are now talking about marriage. Convert, never going to be a option, I love Santa way too much!

He explained that he had dated more Non-Jewish girls than Jewish. That must have been because most Jewish women I have seen are butt ugly. He said that he believes in the religion fully, but also makes up his own mind about how he wants to move forward with it. In a word, he was allowed to "date" me. But, I did grasp the vibe, that in the end, he really wants a Jewish girl. I am sorry but I will never be that. Ever.

I don't mean to make light of Jewish people, Jewish beliefs or the Religion as a whole. In fact, I know very little about any and all religions. I did learn a lot from Jew Boy, but not enough to make me convert out my world of sin!

Busy Starring at You

2007-04-05T08:49:00.001-06:00

We started the night with an analysis of a Fleetwood Mac concert. It was our way to break the ice, to do a little fighting without actually fighting. The sarcasm ran deep between us, but even more so when it came to music. He was always open to my tunes, but I could never swing his. In fact, if he hadn't been so good in bed, I would have questioned his sexuality based purely on his terrible taste in music.

I owed Jew Boy the Fleewood Mac concert, because he spent the entire rest of the night listening to one of my bands. The bar where we went was a topic of conversation because we were sitting in the exact same spot that we were just four months before, on our first date. He actually brought that up, saying that he didn't remember seeing a band the first night we met. I said, "What, were you that drunk?" He replied, "No, I was too busy starring at you all night to remember." I wanted to kiss him for that.

Once we were at his house, we danced, to Prince! We has sex that I started. Lights Out. All in all, the night was one of the best nights with Jew Boy that I remember. I was comfortable, totally comfortable, but still not giving as much as I should have.

A Need for the Same

2007-04-03T20:35:00.001-06:00

The text read, 'I purchased the pink shirt and I am excited for tomorrow.'
The pink shirt and tomorrow made reference to my office Christmas Party. I had "the" perfect outfit and was taking "the" guy I was totally into.

The shirt that I selected was revealing, to say the least. My breasts were more than partially exposed, as one could have popped out with a slight sudden movement! Still, it was sophisticated, in a highly sexy way. Jew Boy had an orgasm on my doorstep when he laid eyes on me. Just why I paid too much for it!

The party was over-the-top uppity. Not my kind of event, but among all of the bottles of wine, my boss did remember to get me a case of beer! We made the rounds, talking and laughing. Jew Boy and I would frequently escape for a smoke. He had been waiting to get me and the shirt alone all night. When, he did he attacked me. Not that getting a hard-on was difficult for him, but as soon as he touched me, he was totally turned on. He said, "I can't help myself, look at you." On that comment alone, we made out on level four of my parking garage. Classy.

When we were totally wrapped up and he was clothes humping me, I told him that to me, he was more than just sex. Yeah, no response. I repeated myself three times before I got a reaction out of him. Jew Boy sluggishly muttered, "What do you want me to say?" I wanted him to tell me that it wasn't for him either, that he wanted me not for the shirt or for the sex, but for me. He made it clear that he was at my office party and that was enough to show me that it wasn't all about sex for him. I couldn't argue with him on that, but still that wasn't enough.

There were a few strange moments when the party goers referred to Jew Boy as my boyfriend. Some people are just dumb asses. One idiot lady asked Jew Boy directly if I was his girlfriend. He slowly said, "I am whatever she needs me to be." It was very confusing and awkward.

When we had consumed enough alcohol to drive home, we did just that. We had sex two times. After the second, I thought I was dead, my face quivering. I was compelled to communicate that I had never had an orgasm that good. He said, "Ahhhh" and explained that it was hard for him to him to believe that because before me, he was inadequate. I think he was bullshitting on that one. Come to find out, he thought all of the same things I did. He said, "Sex is always amazing with you and I love it."

I wish he would have felt all of the same things for me that I did for him, outside of sex.

Confusion

2007-04-01T09:05:00.001-06:00

The Thanksgiving Holiday was erratic in trying to communicate with Jew Boy. Before he left, he invited me to call. When I did, no answer. There were text messages, an entire collection of them, and one lonely return phone call. The call was fleeting, overly peculiar and happened in a whisper. Fuck you, if you are trying to pretend that I don't exist when your family is around. That is pure shit.

I had plans with Shelly the Saturday night after Thanksgiving. I extended the invitation to Jew Boy, even though he was returning from vacation that day. With that suggestion, he seemed more than prepared to go. That night, when I hadn't heard from him at ten, I called. He said they had just gotten home from and was too tired to come out. Really? Was your sorry ass not going to call and tell me? I was beyond annoyed. I told him if he changed his mind to call me back. He said, "I really want to see you, so you should come over after you are finished hanging out with Shelly." I thought you were too tired, fucker? I said, "If you can't make the effort to come out and see me, I doubt that I will make it to your house at two." Fuck you, I am not your personal hooker. This conversation circled for more than a few moments. After every possible lame excuse escaped his month, he said, "I will be there soon." That is how bad he wanted to have sex with me.

The rest of the night at the bar went off without a hitch. He even mentioned he was glad to be there.

When back at his house, he grabbed and started kissing me. Sex followed. It was good, but there was no romance and minimal touching. Not at all normal. This continued in the morning. In fact, I woke up to him yelling in the phone, not laying with me as he should have been.

I was baffled by all of his actions. He should have balled up and met me for the entire night. That is what I would have done to see him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't figure "the us" part out. Everything was perfection before we left for Thanksgiving. When he returned, it was weirdness. Much confusion.

Amazing, then Some

2007-03-31T00:10:00.001-06:00

Sitting at work laughing, for no other reason than it was Friday, I heard my phone ring. Mr. "great in bed" had called to see if I could swing another full blown "Jew Boy weekend." I said, "I think I can handle it." I wanted to handle it. His dick I mean! Since we had spent last weekend out and out of town, he want to stay in, cook me dinner, drink and watch a movie. Swear to God, this was entirely his idea. I freaked. My stomach turned over because he had to good to be true. I have NEVER in my life had a guy offer to cook for me. In my mind, it was a self-assured gesture. I wrote about him in my journal.

"He is awesome and I never want him to end."

As I walked up to Jew Boy's house, he met me (and my dog) at the door as he consistently does. He admitted as usual, "You look nice tonight." We watched some basketball, while he prepared dinner. Due to my less than par cooking skills, I did nothing. When the meal was on the table, he turned off all TVs, dimmed the lights, added soft music and lit candles. Ah, the pressure! I was a bit fidgety for some reason. Ok, for real, I was nervous because I liked him so much. I loved him putting me in the center, where I belonged.

After dinner, we ate the chocolate strawberries that I brought, drank, danced and made out. Instead of the movie, we listened to music and talked. Music was invariably a topic for conversation between us, due to our highly different tastes. Or should I say, his bad taste. We were outside smoking, freezing our asses off, when Jew Boy suggested we take a swim in the tub to warm up. I am still unsure if this was a planned ploy or if he was just romantic. I think he is really that romantic.

When I came in from outside, the music was on again, all lights were out and candles were glowing in the bath water reflection. He was waiting for me. I laid in the water with him and took control, kissing him hard. It felt remarkable. The water, the kissing, him. He felt good and tasted even better. When both of us had lost control, we made it to the bed for two rounds of breath-taking sex. We finished with me on top. Fuck, I couldn't let all of his efforts go unnoticed! He looked me in the eye and quietly said, "Do you know how sexy you are?" Yes, I did. I did when I was around him.

Before we fell asleep I told him he was amazing. He replied, "No you are."

No....God No

2007-03-29T18:58:00.001-06:00

The unwanted but much needed "talk" had to happen soon. Very soon. Before we exchanged fluids again! I literally needed to know for the sake of sanity that I was the only "girl" he was sleeping with. It was about MY safety, since we stupidly never used a condom. I also wanted to know for myself and my crushed ego.

After the magic number of two hours on the phone, I knew I had to deliver the words or they would be lodged in my throat eternally. "I have something that I need to talk to you about, something that has been bothering me," I used my voice sparingly. He laughed at me. Laughed. Quickly I responded, "Why the hell are you laughing, I said it was serious." He said it was nervous laughter. Good, for a moment you might endure what I have been carrying.

I asked if he was sleeping with anyone other than me. He said, "No, God No." Sigh, loud relief. I said, "Have you slept with anyone while we have been connected sexually." Also a no. I moved into the not using a condom issue. He assured me that there was no reason to have do, as he didn't have "anything." I transitioned into addressing the same questions for him that I had asked.

He said that he never wanted me to feel uncomfortable talking or asking him anything. Saying, "I feel terrible that you were feeling bothered." He apologized for not defining why he stopped wearing a condom. He said, "I am sorry for making you think I was not sexually responsible, due to the decisions that I made with you. I am also sorry for making you start that every uncomfortable conversation. That was my responsibility and I didn't do it." I apologized for making it weird if I did. "No, no, you have every right to know and ask those questions," he was reassuring.

This difficult conversation was tough to even bring up. We both agreed on that. I am impressed with the way that he listened and responded. He handled all of it more advantageously than I thought he could. It was not strange and I felt the honesty within him.

So Many Questions

2007-03-29T10:31:00.001-06:00

After the Austin trip, Jew Boy was the continuous playing feature film in my head. I replayed not only the sex that we had, but the awesome things he said to me. It made me super horny just to think of his name. I was missing him and wanting more. Not just more sex, but more of him. In fact, my journal entry from that day reads like this.

"This is sick. I really like him, but I am scared. I can't be in a situation where I will get hurt again. I can't handle it. I am unsure of his feelings for me, as he has never outright said them. Do his actions speak more loudly than his words? Does he treat every girl he meets this well or is this just him? Are there others girls besides me?"

He was mute when it came to actually discussing his feelings. He never put himself out there, outside of a sexual realm. To be fair, I never uttered a word about my feelings either. It was my fault for not asking and more importantly not being ready to hear the answer. It was almost that I wanted him to want me because I needed validation.

I was not ready for him as a boyfriend, but I DID have to know that he is only sleeping with me. It was the only way I could make it exclusive.

Overnight Trip

2007-03-28T19:47:00.001-06:00

I was spending a quiet weekend at home, when the phone rang. Jew Boy was calling from his "guys weekend" out in Kansas. Shocked to hear his voice, I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "We are on our way out for the night, but I wanted to call and invite you next weekend to the game with me and my friends." The game meant a road trip to Austin for the Kansas/Texas game. I was unsure how this all went down, but I am always in for a road trip. Especially one that includes football, beer and sex!

When thinking about a three hour drive to the game in Austin, I had reservations. Much to my amazement, we had many topics to cover, actually talking the entire trip. While in route, I asked if he friends knew anything about me. He said, "Of course, I told them you are great looking, smart, where you graduated from, what you do for a living, that you love to have fun and that you can drink! Well fuck, that pretty much wraps it up!

We arrived at the hotel and went straight for the beer. It was still considered morning, but that is college football at it's finest. Jew Boy was acute in his attention to me and made sure I knew everyone. His friends were semi-cool, but much more reserved than me or mine. Still, I had a great time at the tailgate. Actually, I had a great time the entire day, despite the Kansas loss. I feel compelled to mention that Kansas is not my team, but with some force, I did wear one of those stupid fucking Jayhawks on my shirt. Lord, please forgive me.

After the game, we made it back to the hotel for some food. Jew Boy's friends were all there, lined up and ready to ask me questions. I felt like I was in some kind of sick reality "me" show. Surprisingly, there was not much that they didn't know. They were armed with details, down to my dog's name! Seems that Jew Boy had been talking, a lot!

Once our "snacks" were finished Jew Boy and I went to our room for a nap. On the way up, he said, "We are going to get into bed, but not necessarily sleep." He kept good on this promise! We had sex twice. Can I mention again, that he is good, really good. He either has some serious experience or was given a great gift.

I had to force myself out of bed with him to get ready for dinner and drinking round two. Once I was completely ready, he told that I looked beautiful and kissed me on the forehead. I was dragging a little at first because it my second time to get drunk in one day, until one of Jew Boy's friends caught my attention. I overheard him saying how great I was. Among other compliments he said, "Jew Boy, you did a good job with this one." He replied fast, "I know." I think my face turned red.

Once we started to get drunk again, we started getting close. I kept kissing him. A little trashy I know, but fuck I couldn't help myself. He actually told me to back off. I said, "Excuse me?" He pointed downward. I looked and his dick was hard from just kissing me. He said "it" does that when he is around me and there was nothing I could do about it. I assumed it was a good thing!

There is not really any hiding what happened when we got to the hotel room. He actually shared that sex with me is always good for him. Much to my dismay, I told him how good he was as well. He tended to blow me off, so I said, "no you are really good and you know it." He told me thanks and said he liked to hear me say that. I fell asleep with his arms around me.

Dinner In

2007-03-27T18:40:00.001-06:00

I loved talking to Jew Boy and always looked forward to his calls. He had a super sarcastic wit in which I fed on. Our chats would last for hours, which is rare for a guy. He had a great memory, never forgetting anything I told him and always referencing my words in later conversations. Also, highly unusual. He told me that he loved talking to me because I would fire back at him. Our words were always highly flirtatious, sarcastic and sexual.

As one of our highly charged conversations was wrapping up, he offered to come over the next night and bring me dinner. What the fuck? This guy is straight out of a romance novel. I had never been in a relationship in my entire life where a guy had put so much thought (and effort) out there. It was new and it was fabulous.

He arrived the next night dressed down, but looking hot! Just as he said, he brought our entire meal with him! He gave me a huge hug and a kiss, saying, "It is great to see you, sexy." I was so overwhelmed that I had butterflies!

He gave them to me all night, in many different ways! Perfection.

Still Smiling

2007-03-21T19:20:00.001-06:00

I had no expectations when I met Jew Boy. I had no recent past dating experience, so I was blind to so many things. I was scared to like him; scared of letting myself open up for fear of hurt. Hell, I was still hurting over a past relationship. I am sad to say that when I was dating Jew Boy, I was not 100 percent there with him, ever.

Despite the fact that part of me was closed for business, I spend the next few weeks trying to really know Jew Boy. He called one Friday afternoon (we didn't have plans) to ask if I wanted to come to Ft. Worth to meet his friends. Is it already time for that? He told me they had been asking where he had been the last few weeks. They wanted to meet the person that was "occupying" all of his recent time. With an invite like that, who could refuse?

His friends were great, but he was even better. While we were at the bar, one of his friends made a typical asshole guy comment, saying, "Hey Jew Boy, look at the super hot girl at the bar." Jew boy had his back to the bar and never turned to look at her, instead saying to his friend, "That girl is hot" and pointed to me! Did I mention I love him? I laughed out loud and smiled on the inside.

"In Like"

2007-03-20T20:12:00.000-06:00

My mind was constantly on Jew Boy and the crazy night out we shared. I felt that I needed to tell him what a good time I had with him. I pussied out on calling and sent a text.

"I don't know if I told you this, but I had a great time on Saturday. It was rockin!"

My phone rang less than five minutes later. Jew Boy and I talked for over two hours. He was good, very smart and witty. The conversation between us, turned sexual, but that was how the relationship was. It was good that way. I wanted more of it. Could I dare say this, I think I am "in like" with Jew Boy.

Full Attention

2007-03-19T18:52:00.001-06:00

I looked forward to meeting Jew Boy all day long. It was nervous excitement. I had just gotten my "rock star's girlfriend" haircut, so I looked hot and knew it. The weather was flawless and the beer was flowing. We were there with a large group of people, but no one could have guessed. Jew Boy was totally absorbed in me. I was feeling him as well, wanting him to feel me from the inside out. He told me repeatedly how great I looked and how excited he was to be there with me!

I craved his words and all of the attention. When I was in that moment, all of the pain the Big X had put on me dissolved. We flirted as hard as two people can. As I laughed, Jew Boy leaned into to me and whispered, "You are so sexy." I wanted him on the table right then. He continued, "It is taking all I have right now not to grab you and make out right here in front of everyone." (I am sure this had a bit to do with the fact that he knew I wasn't wearing underwear!)

During his sexual commentary, he made a remark about being able to multi-task. I had to take him down a notch and let him know that he was terrible at it. Not terrible in any sexual mode (as he meant it), but terrible at trying to talk to me while he did other things. He knew exactly what I was referring to! He said, "Oh, you are one of those, who wants my full attention." Well, fuck yes and I deserve it. I knew when I went as far as to tell him that, I liked him.

After all of the dirty talking and the one brief serious conversation, we were ready to escape to my house. As we were walking to the car, he grabbed me by the shoulders, stopped me from moving another inch and kissed me hard. It was the best kiss of my life! I didn't want it to end. It could have lasted forever and it wouldn't have been long enough for me. We were inside of each other and it felt real.

When back at my house, he asked for me to turn the lights down and light the candles. What?? Are there really guys out there that make these types of requests? I had no idea of their existence, but I loved my newly found treasure. Jew Boy took me outside and we danced under the stars. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. I was, for these moments, in heaven.

The kissing was passionate. We were as close as two people could get, but he wanted more. I felt his dick digging into my leg, as he hands went in my shirt. He lead me to my own bed, then went down on me. Holy fuck, is there anything at which he is not perfection? After sex, we laid very close, as he gave me a full body massage. I asked for his full attention and he gave me more than that.

When he left the next day, he said that we would talk soon and when we did, he would be sure to give me his full attention!

Very Weak

2007-03-15T20:29:00.000-06:00

A week goes by with no thoughts of Jew Boy whirling in my head. I opened my email and as promptly as it said, "you have mail," bam he was back! The message presented a hundred million excuses as to why he has not called, but how he had been thinking of me. Actually, what he meant to say was, he had been away from home for weeks and his dick was hard! I read the entire email through several times, contemplating whether I should take him up on his offer to go out again.

To tell the truth, I didn't think we would see each other again. He had not crossed my mind, even with the memories of that amazing sexual encounter. Initially, I compared him too much to The Big X. Jew Boy, could not hold his own in my thoughts. He was a self-absorbed rich kid. He did not deserve me, so I semi-declined his request for a third date, but leaving the door cracked just a little.

I was at home alone and lonesome, on a Friday night, no less. I had an unstable moment and sent Jew Boy a text. I asked if he had landed and was ready for tomorrow night. He called. I don't know if I was lonely, but I enjoyed the chat with him tremendously. He didn't hold back the fact that he was glad to I had contacted him. At the termination of the call, he said he was looking forward to seeing me. I muttered, "Me too." I hung up the phone and said outloud, "Am I really?"

Linear Thinkers

2007-03-12T21:45:00.000-06:00

While Jew Boy was away, we continued to communicate by text message, with a few calls thrown in. The text messages were super witty, highly sarcastic and sometimes overtly sexual. But, every time we talked, he seemed preoccupied with the events and people around him. Fuck his socialization, I get full attention, always. I do understand that most men are linear thinkers (apparently Jew Boy included), so after much over-analyzing, I blew off his apparent ability to multi-task.

When he returned home, our calls also returned to normal. They were long, filled with much laughter and flirting that boarded on orgasm! He made it clear that he wanted to see me, so I agreed that we should go to dinner.

The day of dinner, Jew Boy called at five to make plans. During our call, his rudeness and self-absorbed center once again surfaced. He started by checking his email, then preceded to read them to me over the phone. Ahhhh, No! I tried to pull our conversation out of the ditch, but by then he had pissed me off so bad, I falsified a work deadline. Basically, I told him that he could drive over (an hour drive) to take me to dinner, then go back home. He shocked me by saying that he didn't want to come if we didn't have time to "hang out." Really? We are all of age here, go ahead and say, "I don't want to take you to dinner if I can't have sex with you."

I was fucking irritated, but knew I had made the right decision once I had his response. Jew Boy is self-absorbed and frankly, an asshole. I was testing him to see what THIS was for him. I got the my answer, SEX. This unfortunately was not the answer I was looking for.

Or Not.

2007-03-09T10:29:00.000-06:00

I continued to communication with the Big X since he traipsed out of my life. At times, it has been unpalatable. Other times, it has been a way of healing. All of the people close to me wanted me to swear him off, forever. One significant problem with that. He was my best friend for six years. Talking to him, made me feel as if that relationship was still intact. Maybe it was, but it had changed drastically.

There was never any talk about what went wrong with us. I didn't feel that I had an decent explanation of the events that rocked my core. As hard I as I tried, he was not coughing up any meaningful words. So, conversations took place weekly, but there was a depth that was lacking. I looked forward to his calls, but was completely unfulfilled when they were over.

Moving Forward?

2007-03-08T10:13:00.001-06:00

I have always been amiss when it comes to timing. After two illustrious dates, the most amazing sex of my life and intrigue to boot, Jew Boy was jet setting for the next three weeks. He pretended as if he was leaving the country and would be reachable only by telegram. Newsflash, as he left, I said, "I am sure your phone works in California." If we did not get together again, I was willing to take the blame. I had, of course, had sex with this guy on our second date. Regrets? Hell no.

Over the next few days, I did continue to think about Jew Boy. He was like jet fuel. It was impossible to understand why this was happening now. It was too early. I was in no way over The Big X. I recognized that my heart would not allow another relationship. Still, I continued on the reckless path, hoping that this could be different.

Horing Around

2007-03-07T12:22:00.001-06:00

I turned the lights down and the music up. Jew Boy and I decided on another beer. Two sips into it, we had forgotten about alcohol and moved onto more forward actions!

Jew Boy was slow and gentle with me. His hands were more like silk than any I had ever felt. The kissing was hot. More than hot, it was highly refined. I felt his hands shake as he unhooked my bra. He was running across me, fast and then slow. I laid back and let him do what he wanted. His hands found my zipper and he moved further down. The reaction I got from that was one of unexpected delight. I have never heard a guy react the way he did when he touched me. It was pure bliss. He repeatedly told me how sexy I was. There is nothing that turns me on more than that.

After an hour of sin on the sofa, I took him by the hand and lead him to my bedroom. He undressed the rest of me. I reciprocated. The foreplay commenced, but totally nude this time. We had sex, amazing sex, lights out sex. He knew exactly what I wanted without me saying a word. It wasn't just the sex. It was him. It was us together. It just worked.

I was 28 years old at the time and had been waiting for this for exactly that many years. I have never had anything this perfect, EVER.

Saying the Right Thing

2007-03-06T11:54:00.001-06:00

I Jew Boy again at a small, dark bar that I had never been to. I again, was jittery. Hands wet. Adrenaline flowing. He told me repeatedly how great I looked. He did as well, but I left that unsaid. We talked college sports and did lots of flirting. He seemed totally into me and into the night.

He invited his friends to join us, but told me just before they arrived. I was fine with meeting his friends, this meant that they knew I existed! They were just two at first, then it turned into an over sized group, all of whom knew each other. This put a bit of pressure on an already awkward situation. Not to mention, Jew Boy said a couple a really self absorbed comments.

I drank my beer quietly until our conversation came around. Toward the end of the night, he invited me over to his friend's house to do a bit more drinking. I agreed because I wanted to make out with him! They only had a few beers. He drank scotch, so I could have the beer. At the time, I thought this was a really sweet gesture. Maybe, he is smarter than I gave him credit for. He just wanted me drunk! Whatever, it worked.

I went out on the balcony to smoke and to contemplate what I was doing. Ok really it was just to smoke. Jew Boy only left me out there for a few minutes before joining me. Sadly, his friend did as well. The friend started quizzing us on where we met, blah blah. He turned to Jew Boy and said, I like this girl a lot, she fits in with us. This was an early, profoundly interesting statement.

Jew Boy's friend finally retired. I wanted to talk because I felt there was a lack of conversation all night. He did not have talking in mind. He kissed me over and over again. I had to keep pulling away because I thought that I might strip off his clothes right under the stars. The kissing was hard and passionate. It turned into a full blown make out session (or R rated porn) right there on the balcony. I made him stop and muttered that I needed to find my way home. I asked if he would walk me to my car. He did the right thing and said of course. I had no intention of going home without him. I just needed to see what he would say.

The call back

2007-03-05T19:59:00.000-06:00

Yes, he did call. Jew Boy didn't do the three day rule either, he called the next day!! Is it possible that there is a guy out there that doesn't play lame love games?

He said that he had a great time with me, explaining that I was "a breath of fresh air." I am not sure exactly what that meant, but made me high! He said that he wanted to go out again, possibly the next weekend. I will, if not for anything else, just to kiss him again!

There Were Fireworks

2007-03-04T17:11:00.002-06:00

After I relativity long drive to take Shelly's semi-date home and a stop at the QT for a late night snack, we made it to Jew Boy's house at 3:00AM. I think he was sleeping when I called, but he pretended otherwise. His house was shockingly nice. He is an owner (like myself) and lives there alone. Huge points!

Shelly and I commenced round two of drinking and smoking. Jew Boy didn't drink. Was this some kind of lame clue? I was too out of my body to pick up on any kind of subtlety. I kept talking, drinking and talking. I have no memory of what I was saying, but, as usual, I am sure it was insightful information.

When Shelly got up to go to the bathroom, Jew Boy came and sit very close by me on the sofa. I was rambling about God only knows, when he interrupted me with a very long and soft kiss. I kissed him back, like I wanted to be kissed. And Damn, this boy is amazing. I am sure this would have lead to a full-on make out session, but Shelly returned way too soon. By this time, it was 4:30 and beyond time to retire.

He asked both of us to stay, using the excuse that we were too drunk to drive. Well actually we were, BUT nice try hard dick! He walked us out and kissed me again. It was awesome. I pulled away, only because I had to. I told him to call me, we would go out again. He pulled me in again, kissed me harder this time, but still with the same passion. I had to walk away. As I did, I turned and looked at him. He was smiling at me.

I have had good kissers in my life, but the kiss with Jew Boy puts him in, at least, the top three. Could be higher? All I knew is that I wanted to see this guy again.

Yes, he is HOT

2007-03-03T18:56:00.002-06:00

I didn't sleep on Thursday night and had an impossible time working on Friday. I was nervous. Not nervous, as in scared for my safety, but nervous that about meeting someone new. It had been so long for me.

After work, I rushed to Shelly's house. We went to a pre-drink venue because I feared that I would be unable to look Jew Boy in the eye without a few drinks in me. As we drank, I became obsessively insane. At one point, Shelly looked at me and said that she was going to go sit at another table because she was unsure who I was at that moment. I was talking nonstop and making no sense with any words. It was a pure out of body experience.

With a few in the bloodstream, I called Jew Boy to let him know that I was in town and awaiting our meeting. He was at home having a drink himself, so he seemed relatively calm. In my current chaotic state, his composure made me even more nervous. I got the impression that he had done this before! I chugged beer and smoked an insane number of cigarettes before he arrived.

We were sitting outside on the deck and I unfortunately had my back to him as he approached. I had to get the download from Shelly on what he looked like. Her words were, "Yeah I think that is him. He is hot. Oh yes, that is for sure him because he is coming this way. He looks just like his pictures and yes, he is hot." Holy shit, I thought I was going to die.

As he stood next to me and said hello, I hugged him and said that it was nice to finally meet him. It was a bit of an awkward moment, because I did know him by pictures, email and phone, just had never seen him in the "real". And YES, he was very good looking. He looked a bit different to me than in his photographs because I had looked at them 100 times before this meeting. This allowed my mind to fill in where the photos left out, which created a bit of a different image than what I was seeing in person. His features were much more defined than I thought. At first glance, I was attracted to him.

We decided to stay and have a drink before going to the concert. Red flag number one came when he ordered a scotch on the rocks with a twist of lemon. Serious as shit! Who orders this drink except old men golfers, with plaid pants, while sitting in their uppity country clubs? Shelly noticed his weird drink request and shot me a "this is never going to work" look.

Shelly knew how nervous I was, so she lead into the conversations (love her for this). It was small talk but overall, the initial meeting went well. I did notice that he talked much less in person than he did on the phone. Maybe it was because he was a little nervous himself, when he saw my insane good looks! Whatever the reason, this was a good thing.

We made our way to the concert. Jew Boy paid my way in and for all of my drinks. Being new to the dating scene, this was a perk that I had forgotten about. We talked, I sang. We laughed and did a bit of touching. Nothing big, but I could tell he was into me. He did tell me that I was much better looking than in my pictures, so he was a bit overwhelmed when he saw me.

By the end of the night we were both getting drunk, so we ended up on the dance floor singing and dancing. He was not all over me, which I am sure took some restraint, but he did like to touch. I have always liked a little PDA! I was still a bit overwhelmed by the entire night and how well it had gone. I certainly did not expect for him to be grinding with me, wanting me to be his next wet dream. It felt very good after everything I had been through.

At closing, he told me he had a great time, but did not want it to end just yet. He invited me over to his house. I think he meant me, and just me, riding with him. No Shelly. My drunkin' state wanted to say sure, but I quickly snapped back to reality. I told him that after we took Shelly's semi-date home "we" would stop by for another drink.

Meeting Up

2007-03-01T11:46:00.000-06:00

I guess I had left an impact on Jew Boy because he made a second call three days later. We had another two hour conversation. I had to take that as a sign. This time, he did most of the talking. It is always better the listen than to talk, right?

He pressed me on when we were going to meet. Funny he should ask! I told him that I was coming to his area on Friday night. My friend Shelly and I had plans to go to a concert, but I wanted him to join us.

Holy Shit.

What in the FUCK have I gotten myself into?

Calling Back

2007-02-28T21:31:00.001-06:00

I spent a day out with friends not thinking about anything that was really weighing on my mind. When I returned I had a message from Jew Boy. It was a bizarre experience to have a call from a guy that I had never seen before, nor did not really even know. A few emails were exchanged, then just that easy, he was live in my voice mail! I was terrified at the thought of calling back. I had not been in this position since I was 21 years old. Let's face it, I am a different person now than I was then.

As I was dialing him back, thoughts were ravishing through my head. I was thinking please do not let me sound as crazy as I am. Please do not let me scare him with my language. Please do not let him be a freak with a weird voice. Please let the conversation come easy. Please, please do not answer!

Ah, no he answered! Trying to sound normal, but shaking all at the same time, I asked him the very invasive "what are you doing?" He laughed and said, "me?" I said, "Of course you, I am calling you, right?" He laughed again. The conversation started easy, with small talk. It then ventured into what he was doing on the site and what he was looking for. He made sure that I knew he was one of the "normal" ones. I tried to warm him that I was a little crazy! He of course wanted to know in what way I meant that. Guys are so fucking flithy dirty. So maybe is was normal!

One hour with Jew Boy turned into two and a half hours of pure conversation. By the end of it, he wanted to meet me in person. This had just gotten very real, really fast. Wow, this was going to be a huge step for me. I said that I was interested and that we would do it soon.

After hanging up, I felt liberated. I did want to meet him. I went out for the night feeling good about myself and the words that were exchanged.

Jew Boy

2007-02-26T21:45:00.001-06:00

Much to my surprise, the hits were coming in, Internet dating hits. I had no idea what I was doing or how to field the emails. I felt a strange obligation to talk to every guy who sent me a email. Initially, I did too much talking to all of the wrong people. I will say, there are some fucking freaks out there!

In my very venerable state of Internet dating confusion, it took about a month to realize all of the facets, but there finally came an email that I was highly interested in. This guy was by far, the hottest guy that I had communicated with since joining the site. From this point forward, I will refer to him as Jew Boy. (I had no idea that he was Jewish, since his profile stated that he was "spiritual, but not religious." But that is a whole other story that I am sure will follow).

We spend just four short days emailing, then much to my surprise, he dropped his phone number. This guy was not fucking around and I liked it.

"Hi! When I go to Dallas I usually end up on a friend's couch at Cole's Corner behind Primo's! We seem to go to The Loon, Nakita, Republic, The Quater, the sports bar on the corner (I forget the name of it), TABC, all of those and others I'm sure I am leaving out. I live pretty close to Woody's, so I have been there a few times, same with the mule. I also like a couple of places on 7th Street and in downtown. If I am with the right people, I do not care so much where I go (for the most part)! As far as work, I was a pharmaceutical rep for about 5 years and just started a new job selling orthopedic devices. So far it has been the right move. I love music, all different types , but I do have my favorites. Just about anything from the 70's, especially funk and disco, always put me in good spirits, but I have a big range of taste.Anyway, maybe we can have some drinks together sometime and hang out. Here is my number, or if you want to give me your's, we could talk sometime ............... Hope to hear from you."

I gave him my number in return, somehow putting aside the fact that his favorite music was funk and disco! What the fuck??

Death or Date

2007-02-25T13:41:00.001-06:00

I had to find an outlet, a way to meet new people. My very mixed up mind was telling me that he was fucking every girl on every street corner. I wanted to do the same. Enter, Internet dating!

Was this something that people in the real world did? It was always my thought that Internet dating was a way to meet an untimely death or discover a child molester. Really, I think my reluctantancy came from the negative connotations associated with Internet dating. Aren't all of those people desperate? If so, I was right there will them and actually intrigued about who could be out there.

Still Single

2007-02-21T20:52:00.001-06:00

After all of that, all of the pouring of my heart, I had gotten no real response from The Big X. We talked weekly, but not about us or our relationship. I think it was a way for him to stay connected to me, still not sure if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. For me, it was my way of thinking it would work out.

Side note here, he DID make the biggest mistake of his life.

Second Try

2007-02-21T20:49:00.001-06:00

The first letter was read and I hope he shed at least a tear or two for the rivers I cried for him. The following is the second letter I sent.

"I am once again writing freely about my thoughts and I hope you will take them to heart. The last few weeks have given me much time to think about our relationship; how your personally unhappiness was effected and what happened to us. These are only partial thoughts, but I feel like they raise a good point.

I was completely comfortable in our relationship and know that you were too. I remember that you recently told me that you were very secure in our relationship. I can’t speak for you, but do believe that you and I were both were so comfortable that, we were not trying. Basically, I feel our relationship got into a rut of going through the motions and not connecting like we had in the past. It was a bad cycle and I realize that now. In many ways, it made both of us unhappy. I was existing in the relationship, wanting but not giving enough back. We were not thinking, talking or focusing on each other for the right reasons. In a serious relationship of this length of time, there are always ups and downs; things that are not always perfect. I think sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good. Sometimes things have to be difficult just to see the good. If it would not have come to this, we would have continued on the same path and therefore we would not have had the great memories from last Sunday. Somehow, Someway we lost each other and what was important to and for us, but we can find it again.

I think we need a reconnection; a perspective change. We need to remember why we liked, loved and chose each other in the first place. We need to ask what we liked about our relationship and how it changed. We need to know why we were happy together and how that gave us five amazing years. It would be nice to find that connection I had with you because I know it is still there. It was on Sunday when we saw each other. I was nervous, excited and my heart was pounding when you got here. So much so that I had butterflies! It was a feeling that I had not felt in a long time and it was awesome. We had a great time together and I feel that is because we were absolutely focused on each other.

We have to be open about our highs and lows together. We have to not be scared to talk about anything or ignore feelings that we are having. We have to be nice to each other, say nice things and do nice things for each other. Not because we have to, but because we want to. When we are together, we need to focus on each other, but most importantly we need to have fun together (which was never hard for us)!

Our feelings toward each other have not changed that is clear to me in these past weeks. We just need to rediscover each other. We need do things that make life easier for both of us. We did many things and handled many situations in the hardest way possible. We need to do what is natural. I believe with all of my heart and sole that our relationship can be better than it was before. It is my hope that you can step outside of yourself and see the truth in this letter. I love you with all that I am."

What to do

2007-02-21T20:45:00.002-06:00

After being paralyzed by the sudden end of my six year relationship, I got sick. There was a knot in my stomach. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep or breath. My words to the Big X came in a different way then they should have. Very typical of our relationship. This was the letter that I sent to him. Tear, large tear.

"Let me start me start by saying, I am not sure why I am writing, I miss you terribly. I have so many things to say and am feeling so many things that it is necessary to write. I feel I have climbed out of a wreck and I am staring at a mangled frame, wondering what the hell happened because that last thing I remember, we were doing great. I could confess things. I could apologize. I could say things like I still love you, if I thought it would help.

I am trying to pinpoint where the end began, to see if it was inevitable or just a mistake and to see if I had done a single thing differently, you would be sitting beside me right now. Could I have? Is love as fragile as this in your mind? What happened that you turned away from me? I am sure you have theories about this, but they have been incomplete to me. You owe me more. After this long, I should have at least a word in this and/or an explanation.

We had six great years. Ok, five amazing years and when one gets tougher than the ones previous, you are out? One thing that you don’t understand is that relationships are sometimes work. Just because it is not “perfect” all of the time, does not mean it is not meant to be or we do not work together. After all of the time that has pasted, I thought I meant more to you than the way that I have been treated.

I want you to be happy. I just don’t understand what I did to make you unhappy for an entire year. It is something tangible? I wish you would have told me how you were feeling and I wish you would let me know how you are feeling now. I know you and our situation better than anyone. Because of this, I feel that I could be of more help to you than some of the advise you are now getting. I feel that you have many issues, meaning you are afraid to be happy. Anytime you are finally happy, you find a way to sabotage it because you think you don’t deserve it. I know there many things you are unhappy with right now, but you need to speak openly about them in order to resolve them.

I want you to know that you make me a better person. I feel that we have something that some people search an entire lifetime for and never find. I know this because of the way that I feel when I am with you and I know you do too. It is special very, very special. I feel that I am not keeping you from anything. I feel that I add to your life and you to mine.

I reach for you literally at night and especially on the weekends. I would give anything I have for an ordinary Friday night; just watching a movie, taking baths together, and then going to bed in your arms. You have made it so hard to sleep alone. I miss your body around near mine. I miss how you put your hand in my back pockets and how you touch my back to let me know you are there.

I will say that I am sorry. Sorry for not knowing and sorry for not asking. I am sorry for not protecting us as if it meant more to me than anything in the world because it does. It is special. I want to be with you not writing you. Now at your request, I reliving the past and longing for it as I move further from it. It is important to remember what we had and still can have. I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be."

The Big X

2007-02-13T20:16:00.000-06:00

I have been single now for year and a half. This is not a decision that I made, but one that was forced on me. It started as a lucid Friday night with the now X coming over. The second he spoke I knew this would not be a night of beer and fun. He came over to "talk." Do guys ever say that? I knew something heavy was ensuing, but did not understand the gravity of how his words would castrate my life, as I knew it then.

Basically, he was unhappy with me and had been for the last two years of our six year relationship. What?? Let me for one second call bullshit. I imagined we would be together forever. I was blind sided. Sure, I had been unhappy with recent changes in my life, but had no indication that they were effecting him so greatly. Why didn't he just tell me? Why did it have to come to this? These were HUGE issues weighing on my mind, none of which I said, since I was ill prepared for the attack.

The conversation ended almost as quickly as it had began. He was ready to escape and visibly shaken by the decision that he had just made. As he slammed the door, I instantly became single at 28.